Idon'tliketoassumeandoveranalyze.

Ialsodon'tliketobelefthangingwithoutadirectanswer.

Icannotunderstandmixedsignals.

Soplease,ifyouareflirting,don'tanymore.Imightjuststarttobelieveyou.

Ifyouarenot,couldyoujusttellmesoIwouldbeabletoguardyourheart? SothatIwon'thurtyouanymorethanIalreadyamifIam?

We'vebeenthroughthisbefore,we'vedoneeachothersomedamage.

Let'snotmakethesamemistaketwice.

 

I have a best friend. Her name is Amy and she's sixteen today. She understands me very well (98% of the time only). I still can't quite understand her when it comes to her inability to be aggravated, though. xP

 

We're both our greatest encouragers (in a way) and our greatest stressers.

 

 

But don't believe her, because apart from the fact that our positions in class are highly interchangeable, her standard deviation is much smaller than mine, plus the fact that she's still taking BC as an SPM subject. =P

 

It's a good thing I'm used to it after 4 years. When I really got to know her in Form 1, I almost killed myself wondering how she could be so perfect - her handwriting, her grades, her flawless complexion, her niceness, her maturity, her popularity, her discretion, her well-roundedness, and yeah, her inability to get angry.

 

*deep breath*

 

Believe it or not, after 4 years, I still look up to her. But I don't suffer as badly as I did before. Lol! I started appreciating the differences between us, and the way we complemented each other. We're...similar in a twisted way. For instance, she isn't assertive enough to shoo away the guys hot on her tail, and I'm the one getting irritated hearing about all those clearly oblivious guys who don't know where to draw the line. Now if she'd only let me talk to them on her behalf...I've already prepared what I'd say to them in no uncertain terms. Pests. xD

 

 

xD

 

(Okay, the GAY part was kinda out of the point, but I couldn't resist putting that in. XD)

 

She's extroverted with many acquaintances and friends, while I'm more towards introversion, with a few close friends. She likes art and is good at it, while I can only sigh and look at the D I got in art in Form 1. She's neutral about a lot of things, while I have either strong attractions or aversions towards most.

 

She'd look at me doing my math homework and ask, "Why didn't you copy the question?" while I'd look at her quizzically in turn and wonder why was copying the question necessary. I know why it's important to her - because the aesthetic value of her homework is at stake. xD Everything is art, everything must be pretty, everything must be neat. =)

 

You should hear her during lessons in class. She asks the weirdest questions, and by now, she can predict my answer. It never changes. xD

 

 

By then she'd be laughing at my exasperated expression. We learn things differently; she with her mind-mapping techniques and I, verbally. I never had enough of the sense of proportion to draw a presentable mind-map anyway. She was always the one with the ultimate project work. Teacher's pet. =P Yeah, I know I'm one too, so we're even. xD

 

When people ask us about our severe rivalry in the area of academic excellence, we smile and go, " We're used to the competition already. It doesn't affect our personal life."

 

After four years, I guess humans adapt. Lol.

 

As far as I remember, we've only ever had one serious argument (in Form 1), and even that was settled right after recess. XD We are honest with each other and I guess it's because we trust each other a lot. We're mostly on the same wavelength, although her intuition is far more sharper than mine. So I get an antenna for a friend. And insider info on the emotional world as well. ;P We discuss human behaviour, the pros and cons of a certain opinion, everything under the sun, in fact.

 

She constantly reminds me how blur and clumsy I am. XD Not that I get any more alert, so her efforts are all in vain. I actually think she finds it very amusing that I "ouch!"  once every few minutes for tripping over a step or something to that effect.

 

We laugh and have fun together, especially when we're both high. Her hyper mood is one of childishness, while mine is more of energetic wackiness. Combine these two together and you have people saying we're mad. Well, we are.

 

Happy birthday, amui. xD

Yesterday, Mr Tan fetched me to the City Hall. In his car, the subject of my not taking Chinese anymore surfaced. I should have known better. =P

 

When I went back in Pn Ooi’s car a few hours later, the subject of my not taking Chinese anymore surfaced again. History tends to repeat itself. I should have known better. The long drive back home was the perfect opportunity to discuss the topic at length.

 

Pn Ooi  : I still feel that it’s a waste if you don’t take Chinese. Your foundation is pretty good already. If you keep on taking Chinese as a subject, you’ll continue to hone and perfect your Chinese daily. You might even become as good as that female judge one day.

 

That was only the tip of the iceberg. *sigh*

 

I was tired (hey, I didn’t have my afternoon nap!), and obviously not in the best mood to talk to about my decision to drop Chinese just then. So, I did the wisest thing I could think of at that time: I didn’t say a single word. I half-smiled, nodded at appropriate times, and basically kept my thoughts to myself. I didn’t have the energy to argue, nor did I WANT to argue. Besides, when I’m tired and fretty, it’s not smart to agitate myself. I wondered when the two teachers would finally get off my case - it has been 5 months since I dropped that subject.

 

She said more when I first told her of my decision to quit taking Chinese classes.

 

May : I’m sorry, I just can’t write well. It’s a burden to me.

Pn Ooi *shooting me a look of disapproval*: Your problem isn’t the writing part. You have a flair for writing and languages. I can see it in your essays.

 

It was unsaid and understood that my weakness was the objective portion. I smiled sheepishly and waited for the inevitable lecture on the benefits of taking Chinese classes and how I, as a Chinese, should not forsake my mother tongue.

 

Well, I didn’t say much then, and so I will now.

 

I am not afraid of taking Mandarin as an extra subject. I am not afraid that it will jeopardize my chances of getting a scholarship (in fact, I could probably score in the Bs, if not As, and I think that’d further IMPROVE my chances, duh). I am NOT AFRAID, you hear me?

 

But I was never good in it. I might have a flair for languages (makes up for the weakness in maths, I guess), but you don’t know how much time and effort I put into my Chinese just to make it work. You don’t know how many essays I read, copied and reread again just to learn the nice nice cheem cheem phrases. You don’t know how I felt when I never got an A for the entire year last year.

 

Yes, I loved the language, I loved the challenge. But my foundation in that language, contrary to what you think, is NOT firm. I cannot, for the life of me, remember all those literary figures. I didn’t grow up speaking Mandarin to my parents, or reading Chinese novels, surrounded by everything Chinese. Hey, I picked up Mandarin from my brother who came back from kindergarten speaking that weird ching ching chong chong! Basic spoken Mandarin, once you go up a level higher, I can’t even catch. My intonation is off sometimes, because Chinese has all that Qiao She Ying and Bi Ying and Qing Shen Ci. I don’t watch Chinese movies, nor do I listen to Chinese songs. Mandarin is NOT my mother tongue, English is. I hardly meet people who are proficient in both languages, for that matter. You’re either good in one, or good in the other. You cannot speak English with a Chinesey twang, nor are you supposed to speak Chinese with an Angmoh twang, which is something like what my parents (and Pn Ng, I noticed) do. xD It's cute, but still...

 

I feel that it is unfair to judge my Chinese standard by the A I achieved in PMR last year, because that’s only formatted theory. I also feel it is unfair to judge my potential in this language relatively. Doing better than the 30% who really can’t catch the language doesn’t mean I’m good in it. I know friends who score less than I do in Chinese, yet their spoken Chinese is smoother and fluenter than mine. I know that without the proper skill, I will never be GOOD in it, unless I sacrifice a lot of time and effort. Watch some Chinesey movies and listen to Ai Fm. Whatever it is that my Chinese-educated friends do to perfect their Mandarin. I don’t even watch ENGLISH movies, let alone Chinese ones. Do you think I can spare the effort? Chinese novels take me twice the time to finish. I know - I tried reading a translated version of Chicken Soup for the Soul once.

 

Chinese doesn’t come naturally for me. Sure, I can speak it, I can write it, but I’ll never stand out. I can never excel in this subject. The homework load is grueling, and I cannot stand learning a language in the afternoon when my mind shuts down according to routine. I grind through the syllabus, while others skate smoothly through it. I feel inferior compared to Chiong Kee because she can write beautiful essays, and the best I can do, are direct translations from English to Chinese for the essay-writing part. Read my essays, and if you’re a certified, bona-fide Chinese teacher, you’d be appalled how English-ized they are. I’ve had more than my share of comments on this part. =P

 

Not to mention that I have another 11 subjects to take care off, and I’m doing a lousy job of even that presently.

 

You see, I have my reasons. I didn’t quit Chinese class just because I’m afraid of the exam. You know what? If I could take the exam and not go for classes, I might just consider that. =)

 

Although I’d probably get a B or a C for my rusty Chinese by then. =)

 

Hence, I rest my case.

 

I'm sorry.

 

I'm sorry you had to drive yourself so hard and set such high hopes for yourself.

I'm sorry you had to study BC for 9 years and still lose out in terms of intonation to others.

I'm sorry you were over-confident.

I'm sorry you never, ever made it in the public speaking domain, because thirds, fourths, fifths and sixths aren't champions.

I'm sorry that this was the best presentation you ever made, and yet it still fell short of others' standards.

I'm sorry you actually thought your presentation was better than others.

I'm sorry you wasted your entire holiday on a mere gain of RM 20.

I'm sorry you find it hard to concede defeat after tasting the triumph of winning two years ago.

I'm sorry.

 

I'm sorry because you're not sorry at all.

 

You aren't sorry because you died doing something you loved.

You aren't sorry because you gave it your best shot and left it at that.

You aren't sorry because you yourself know, no matter what others say, that you were never that great in BC anyway.

You aren't sorry because this isn't about you, it's about God.

You aren't sorry because you know that failures build a person up.

You aren't sorry because losing doesn't mean you're anymore worthless than you already are, nor does it define you.

You aren't sorry.

 

You aren't sorry, and you're not dead. In fact, you felt so neutral about it after the initial twinge of disappointment that you think there might be something wrong with you. xD

My holiday thus far has been rather invigorating. So invigorating that the compulsively choleric me even enjoyed it!

 

For starters, I went shopping twice, memorized my speech script down to the letter, baked cookies and brownies with Nish, practiced, timed, and perfected my presentation countless times, completed (I've always been rather optimistic, =P) my add maths project, and cancelled a work date due to an unforeseen disease (not on my part, though).

 

Baking with Nisha was F-U-N! We ran out of vanilla essence, walked to the grocery store, eavesdropped on the shopkeeper's conversation in Mandarin =P, ate cookie dough, our brownie turned out semi-liquidy (I called it Frankenstein) but VERY rich and sweet*licks lips*. More importantly, I learnt one very enlightening piece of information : BROWNIES AREN'T COOKIES! THEY'RE CAKES! [makes note for future reference]

 

Our cookies weren't THAT delightful, though. Nish claimed that she was "depressed", seeing the way she had to phone her mum 3 times for consultation and advice on how to salvage the cookie dough (now I called THAT Frankenstein's wife). Hahaha. To no avail, sadly. But I still had fun! Nish's family has the gift of the gab, and they're always so witty and sunshiny. xD

 

Random thought here : Nish didn't think I'd eat cookie dough, because according to her, I'm all decent and civilized. xD

 

Yesterday, Amy, Vicky and I went shopping! Yeah, typical girl stuff. Quoth Bryan : Since when did May like shopping? xD

 

It was fun, not so much because of the shopping, but because of the company I was keeping. We were gabbing all the way, JUST like typical girls. Catching up on everything that had been going on in our individual lives. Vicky's shoes tore, and we had to bother a sales assistant to find a pair of shoes that fit her (you know, there aren't many of those left in the world, xD). Emergency alright. Heheheh. We did do some shopping, but mostly on MY part, because I already knew what I wanted to get and did my homework well. *smiles smugly*

 

Another random thought here : I'm really becoming a girl girl. Firstly, all the pretty things seem to be pink in colour nowadays, and secondly, I think I'm starting to LIKE pretty things. Thirdly, I have this weird sense that my secondary female characteristics are starting to kick in hard. Fourthly, I'm...I'm...SCARED! Lol.

 

 

I must be growing up. Oh, wait, there might be another explanation for that...I'm in love? xD

Classic conversation opening:

 

 

I guess this afflicts people persons, those that very obviously lack an intuition or are more likely to be called "insensitive" by their friends. When we find that we can't predict others, we tend to self-assess and try to understand ourselves. It's called intra-personal intelligence. Hehe.

 

 

 

 

Sounds lame, I know. Why can't I be good in something more...career-worthy? xD

 

On another note, yeah, I guess I do know myself pretty well after all that introspecting. I used to wonder how come I could never hold a grudge long enough to take revenge and be happy about it. It's like, the feeling fizzles off so soon! I never GET to revel in revenge! I can't even FEEL GOOD about it! I can't even contain my emotions, let 'em boil and bubble, and feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel negatively about something. So much for traumatic childhood experiences. I mean, I don't even have proof of a dysfunctional personality to validate my claim. [ On second thought, if I did have one, I wouldn't know it anyway, now would I? =P ]

 

You see why I say my life is BORING now? Lol.

 

Stupid, I know. xD Believe it or not, I used to think that way. =)

 

Now, I appreciate my own apparent detachment. If I had been hurt or affected deeply by certain childhood experiences, I think I would have grown up to be a very different person. Full of hurt, anger and resentment, just waiting to be unleashed on any unsuspecting victim. I seriously, seriously hope nothing has seeped into my subconscious. Once in a blue moon, I DO blow up or act out of the norm, but I never...feel good about it. I know where I went wrong. I can never manage to justify my actions driven by negative emotions, even though "others do it all the time, and I think it's high time I get my way". My conscience never lets me off. *sigh*

 

So yeah, I usually end up apologizing. Such a loser. Oh well. =P

 

And I tend to make the same mistakes with people over and over again. Like trusting too much, or giving them the benefit of the doubt. Because the feeling of disappointment doesn't stay long and deep enough to warn me off.

 

Man, no wonder people call me blur. But I guess, if compared to knowing everything others feel/think about me, I'd rather not know. Ignorance IS bliss. =)

Ever since forever, I've wanted to be a teacher.

 

And ever since forever, people have tried to discourage me from my dream, which is apparently too small in their opinion. Ironically, the very people who try to are my teachers in school. Why, they claim, with my "abilities", it'd be such a pitiful waste if I didn't become a lawyer, or perhaps a newscaster, or perhaps a lecturer, or perhaps a doctor, or perhaps an engineer (yeah, right.)...anything but a teacher.

 

I guess that's why the Malaysian education system sucks. Most become teachers for lack of any better choice, so go figure. Memang Third World mentality! In Singapore, teachers are looked up to. It's a highly-recommended profession. Note : that's the root word of 'professional'.

 

Before I continue, may I interrupt myself. I am not as brilliant, or great, or hardworking, or talented as they obviously think I am. My image can be pretty deceptive. Seriously. SERIOUSLY! The most I've ever gotten for Add Maths is a 5C! Okay, back on track.

 

I have been influenced by great teachers. I have seen the impact hard-working and skilful teachers can make. I admire teachers who are mature, humane, understanding, yet firm. I have been inspired by the difference an adult role model can make in a student's life. Besides, this profession is the ultimate intersection point of my talent and passion, the former being public speaking, and the latter being people.

 

I have also seen what can happen if lousy, emotionally unstable teachers deliver stuff they themselves can't understand, obviously haven't prepared for and blow up just because they feel threatened that their students think that they are better than them. This mindset probably stems from a low self-esteem, which means they know that they aren't that great. But it's not merely that. If that low self-esteem would just drive them to do better in their lesson preparation, BY ALL MEANS FEEL THE SHAME. Sadly, no. If everyone thought that way, lazy teachers would be wiped off the face of the earth by the 21st century. Just for their information, them teachers are getting paid to teach us, but guess who isn't getting paid to listen. [Note to reader : I do listen in class. I'm a "good" student.]

 

I'd hate for the future generation to suffer at the hands of like teachers. We all know how to judge teachers, don't we? 12 years stuck in the Malaysian education system certainly gives us ample time to assess who passes the bar and who doesn't. We all know what we want in teachers, yet I don't see anyone standing up to make a difference.

 

As my dad always says, don't criticize unless you can do something better yourself. My dreams just solidified.

 

Then recently, I found myself conforming to the general mindset. Yikes, the subconscious is a scary place. =P For further elaboration :

 

 

Seriously, I wish teachers didn't have to go so far as to LIE to get our attention. Or maybe they were telling the truth, and that's why they ended up as teachers. See lah, don't study? 

 

Conclusion : Now, even May thinks that teachers are those who didn't make it in life. WAD lah. I'm supposed to be devoting myself to proving others wrong, and now I'm rolling with them? Must. Resist. The. Temptation.

 

Heheh. 

I, May Yap, am now officially known as a flirt. Yeap, F-L-I-R-T, you didn't hallucinate. xP According to Pn Dora, the former disciplinary teacher, I target KM during school hours and Eddie after school hours. No amount of convincing could change her mind about my flirtatiousness. And guess what? A fellow student told her that. Wonder if my dad's going to hear anything from her soon, but who cares, I told him already. HAHAHA.

 

YeeeeeeeeeHaaaaa! Now my boring, boring life has definitely taken a dramatic turn. Imagine me, a nerd(!), being able to hold down two or MORE guys at once! Doesn't this sound perfect? Just like in all the fairytales, where the underdog gets the guys at last. Nevermind the fact that KM's already taken with a capital T, or that Eddie's single BUT unavailable. Nevermind the fact that I'm also single BUT unavailable for different reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, I think I'm starting to enjoy the publicity. My other alter ego, Yam, must be behind this. Oh, so scandalous, so scandalous! xD I am half expecting the school magazine to have a tabloid page with my name linked to various guys all over.

 

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Quoth KM : Get a life lar you.

Yet another farewell presents itself.

 

This time, it's Pan Jia Wern's turn to fly off to another continent. Sonia's right, everyone seems to be going off to the US of A. I'd hardly refuse the offer myself IF I ever get that offer, so well..yeah.

 

Wait, I'm getting side-tracked already. This was meant to be a tribute to the protagonist. I owe you this after 7 months of insert-everything-there-is-to-be-thankful-for. [Note to reader : Oh, he'll probably tell you I'm exaggerating...but you know what? Don't listen to him. xD]

 

So, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you. For what? For :

 

HEHE. I'm thankful to have such a friend. You're one of a kind, the stoic, benign, phlegmatic, rational, offbeat, nice, steady type of friend. I can intellectualize with you till the cows come home and you wouldn't mind. xD Just fyi, my sister thinks that we're awfully boring people. LOL. They just don't understand. =P I mean, with your wonderful one-liners and all, how could it be boring? *snicker*

 

Wunderful one-liners coming up...xD

 

 

Lol. You learn fast. Or maybe not. xP

 

Oh yeah, remember how Zhuo Wei would always say the wrong things at the wrong time and then we'd both look at him with peeveness written all over our faces? Even though you were always on my side (presumably), I had this hinting suspicion that you were just trying to keep me from finishing him off right there and then. xD It worked, he's still alive and kicking. Lol. Life is always fun with Zhuo Wei! Hehe.

 

Somehow, I still feel that this tribute doesn't do you enough justice. =P But nevermind, whatever remains unsaid is understood. ESP, remember? Hehe. So bye for now, and till we meet again. ;P

 

Hopefully, this didn't sound like an obituary. *snicker*

 

P/s You're good enough for me too. =P

After reading Tuesdays With Morrie, I'm reinspired to love again. This time with a LOT more. He's right. Love is the most precious thing we can give to everyone around us. I'm tempted to give a review of this book, but I know that if I tahan long enough, this oh-so-alluring-and-definitely-time-consuming temptation will pass. xD

 

I know I'm supposed to be studying for Add Maths. I will, after this. Finished the entire book liao, so much for waiting till the hols to start. [Note to CHIAU HUNG : NEVER PASS ME A BOOK IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EXAM. UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO FAIL MY ADD MATHS.]

 

I have this thing for finishing stuff as soon as humanly possible, aka borrow and then return the very next day. There was once I even finished "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" within two free Chemistry periods so that I wouldn't have to return the book to Eddie the next day. Hehe.

 

But anyway, one of the many gems in Tuesdays With Morrie that struck me deep : You're afraid of the vulnerability that love entails.

 

It can't get any truer than that, especially when you're thinking of a certain person every single nanosecond because you two had a conflict of interest, and you hate the feeling that the situation is twisting your insides all around.

 

 

You know, THAT feeling? xD

 

p/s Not even a boyfriend somemore. Tsk tsk tsk.

 

Every once in a while

could you please

tell me I am needed, wanted,

loved and appreciated?

It means so much to me.

 

Every once in a while

could you please

encourage, affirm,

show a little concern?

Sometimes I need to see.

 

Every once in a while

could you please

make the first move,

show that you're interested,

say thank you,

sustain the relationship?

Show that

our friendship isn't on my part only.

 

But if you can't

I'm still okay.

Because I understand

these are things not everyone can say.

 

It'd still make a big difference if you do.

Please and thank you.

 

 

I guess this says everything I want, yet cannot bring myself to say. I am eternally indebted to KM for teaching me to be vocal in my affections. =)

 

Testimonials have a way of disappearing too quickly. Tributes last longer. Hehe.

 

Somebody's sixteen today. She might have just turned sixteen, but she has always exhibited a great deal of maturity beyond her years. Her paradoxically mature yet child-like, simple faith challenges even the most advanced thinker to stop and reflect on the simplicity of life. Life is simple. It's just us complicated humans with complicated feelings and complicated actions who complicate it. Haha.

 

Her pleasant demeanor is particularly serene, the homely kind who'd make anyone feel comfortable around her. Not very loud, her peacefulness is settling. Ironically, one of the most endearing traits she possesses is her easy, generous guffaw and aptly-placed humour. For a quiet girl, she certainly has an infectious laugh (she claims that it's a chain reaction and usually she laughs because I laugh, but disregard that comment. xP)

 

For some inexplicable reason, I can't help but to smile involuntarily when I see her. xD

 

An undying love for God and the things above.

Ever inspiring and encouraging.

Football, chess, guitar and drumsticks of the non-protein variety.

Math-fanatic-BM-boycotter.

Truly Malaysian. =P

 

A girl who's going to be a great ripple-maker for God.

 

Happy Birthday, Esther Ling. =)

 

P/s Remember 1 John? Lol.

 

 

11 August : Guess who's birthday. =)

11 - 12 August : Prep for Physics, Bio, and possibly everything.

13 - 17 August : I'd rather not talk about it.

18 August : Start prepping for BC public speaking competition.

19 August : Guess who's birthday. Sorry if my gift can't make it in time, you'll get it before the end of this month, I promise. =)

20 August : Bye-bye, Jia nothing-interesting-ever-happens-to-me Wern. We'll have to learn how to write emails. xD Night of Charity Concert as well...come to think of it, would sending you off at the airport be more worthwhile? =)

21/22 August : Date with Eddie. Hehehe. Work date actually.

22 - 25 August : Prep FURIOUSLY for BC public speaking competition.

26 August : BC public speaking competition.

 

(and HOWEVER I'm going to accomplish it, Add Maths project must be completed.)

 

 

 

 

 

Cham liao.

 

 

So went a conversation between me, Ps Victor and Ps Kelly on Sunday around the lunch table. They were hilarious. They were fun. They were...exactly the same as what they were like at ESP Camp 2006.

 

I might have shrugged off that comment as a joke, had Amy - my best friend-cum-confidante - not decided that Ps Victor was RIGHT (she also shares the same enthusiasm he has for wanting to see what my future significant other's going to be like). She's been snickering at me ever since I told her what Ps Victor said, and I don't think that snickering's gonna wear off anytime soon. =P

 

 

 

But hey, if that pastor's anything like Ps Victor, I'm soooou looking forward to it. *evil smirk*