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July 30 &^%$#@!I distinctly recall promising that there'd be more on the topic of cursing. I'm still hesitating as I'm writing this, but I guess I'll go ahead and voice my opinion on it. It's a dangerous topic alright.
Cursing is so the norm nowadays that it's weird if one doesn't do it. Some say it's freedom of expression, some say it's the best way to express angst...I don't know, people have their reasons. I just came across another recently, this one being "to fit in with certain friends".
Here's the million-dollar question : What's so wrong about it? It's just words.
In my humble opinion, words can never be "just words". Let's get something straight : Cursing never was, and never will be an "okay" thing. It's scary how everyone seems desensitized to this fact nowadays. This isn't even a Christian issue. This is an issue of basic morality. I wonder why is it that nobody seems to realize that foul language is called "foul" for a reason. Foul, unsavoury, vulgar.
Face it, whether or not you're angry, cursing isn't justified. In a simple analogy, if you're angry, is it okay to murder a person? Two wrongs don't make a right.
What about derivations? Some of the commonest ones are "dang" and "my gosh". Harmless enough, right? Considering we didn't use the actual word...
You answer that yourself. For me, I try my best to avoid them, because of their source of origin. =)
Personally, I feel that curse words/foul language are an insult to one's vocabulary. Those who resort to these forms of expression must have a really limited one. For me, I exercise my vocab while sorting out my emotions. This manages to calm me down most of the time, and I see things a tad clearer when I put them into words. In other words, I rant organizedly. =P
[1 Timothy 4:12]
Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
I guess one of the main problems we Christians have have to do with purity in speech. I almost expect to hear someone screaming " You holier-than-thou-er" this very moment. I really don't mean to put anyone down, and I am not trying to appear more righteous than anyone. I have to admit, there are times when something provocative happens and the first thought that courses through my mind is one of those seemingly harmless derivations. I have to consciously refrain from entertaining such thoughts myself. Nobody's perfect.
But I guess we can always strive for perfection in our characters. =) As long as we're children of God, we're new creations!
July 28 Smelling oniony.I've been hit. OW! xD
Nah, I mean hit by Sheng Han who obviously thinks I'm an onion and wants to know my layers. Okay, I'll humour him. There you go.
First Layer : On the outside
Name: May Yap Ai Quan
Birth Date: 25 May 1991
Current Status: Student. hehehe.
Eye Colour: Dark brown.
Hair Colour: Dark brown.
Layer 2: On the inside
My Heritage: Chinese, Hakka + Foochow, and and jumble of when East Malaysian meets West Malaysian.
My Fears: That I'll turn into a horrid, difficult person. My Weaknesses: X, Y, Z, P, Q, R. To prevent anyone from getting a swelled head. xD And MATHS! Of the normal AND additional kind.
My Perfect Pizza: Nobody's perfect. Same goes for pizzas. *wink*
Layer 3: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
My First Thoughts of waking up: I'm awake. The alarm clock hasn't sounded yet. Switch it off and go back to sleep in denial. I can't sleep anymore. But I just don't wanna get up. Wait till dad calls me. What's up today? Have I forgotten anything? Ish. Try to blank out, okay? Don't think anymore! You incurable insomniac! GO TO SLEEP!
My Bed Time: 10pm-12pm, 2pm-4pm.
My Most Missed Memories : I don't miss my memories. My memories never left me. ;P Those that left, I can't even remember to miss.
Layer 4: My Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's. I don't believe there's any Burger King in Kuching.
Single or Group Dates: You don't really have much of a choice when you aren't going steady with anyone, you know?
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Tea or Nestea: Tea, of the KMT and JWT variety. Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee, but only the perfect one my mum makes. xP And I don't even really like that either.
Layer 5: Do You..
Smoke: Nope, but if I wanted to, I'd just go get a nicotine patch of gum, chew it and stand next to a bonfire and inhale deeply. MUCH more economical. xD
Curse: *&^%#! Of course NAWT. (more on this topic later. Heheh.)
Take A Shower: No. I take lives. Have A crush: Any takers? =P
Go To School: Malaysia might be a free country (so they say), but there are some things we really don't have a choice over.
Want To Get Married: YES YES YES! Again, any takers? Fabian, don't try. We've gone over this already and I don't do gays. XD
Believe In Youself: Like duh? I'm not about to doubt my own existence. Like those Socrates and Plato dudes. Wonder if they died of depression. xD I believe in Jesus too, by the way. =)
Think You’re A Health Freak: WAHAHAHAHA. Enough said.
Layer 6: In The Past
Drink Alcohol: Yuck. How can anyone even STAND shandy?!
Gone to the Mall: Kuching no mall. Sadly deprived.
Been on Stage: *Mona Lisa smile* Eaten Sushi: Yeap. I think it's an acquired taste, though. PERSONAL PREFERENCES, don't you sushi fans come after me.
Dyed Your Hair: Do I look like I need to? o_0 Layer 7: Have You Ever..
Played A Stripping Game: You never know...
 *psst, what's a stripping game?*Changed Who You Were To Fit In: Yeah. Definitely. But once is enough. =)
Layer 8: Are You Hoping To..
Get Married: I seriously think the creator of this tagging whatchamacallit ran out of ideas already.
Layer 9: In A Girl/Guy
Best Eye Colour: Like I'd even notice, being the uber-blur me.
Best Hair Colour: Anything natural.
Short or Long Hair: I'm neutral. As long as there's hair.
Layer 10: What You Were Doing
A Minute Ago: Breathing.
An Hour Ago: Sleeping.
Four And A Half Hours Ago: Is someone stalking me?
A Month Ago: *blink*
A Year Ago: Someone's definitely stalking me. xD
Layer 11: Finish The Sentences
I Love: More than is good for me.
I Hate: Having to lie, playing possum and being lied about.
I Hide: When I feel like it.
I Miss: Those carefree days when Geography and Sejarah tests only involved blackening 60 little circles. =)
I Need: Some Tea.
( I'll just stay quiet and hope that nobody noticed I skipped Layer 12. You don't say anything, I don't say anything, nobody'll ever know.)
[Reader's discretion advised : I wouldn't want everybody to know that Fabian's a gay. Shhhh~]
It's 28th July.To the one and only Rene Yap, sister of the one and only May Yap. xD
You're 13 today. And in all your born days...
You've been a wonderful sister, patience-tryer, verbal sparring partner, and comic relief. The things you do out of the blue are funny because they're not even MEANT to be funny. You were always so candid. Hehe. Here are scenes from our life that I'll never forget.
Your giving me the heebie-jeebies when you call me cute in your quirky moods.
Your chatting with me into the night even after dad repeatedly came into our room to shush us. Our giggling spells, flaming glares, bargaining, hyper moods, mutual blackmailing and threatening, your one-way chatting into my left ear and out the right because I wasn't paying attention, and your huffs when I told you that I wasn't. xD If looks could kill, I'd be dead 1000 times over from telling you do your bed (and clearing the table and getting off the computer when I want to use it AND vice versa, etc etc etc).
And there was one night when we were lying on our beds and you were telling me about some friends of yours who were confusing you, when you said this:
Rene: I don't even know who my true friends are anymore.
Rene *jerking upwards to an upright position*: Oh wait, I DO have one!
May *flatly*: I know. Me.
Rene: How'd you know?!
Let's just say we sisters can be very perasan at times. Lol!
Your expressedly telling me how you did NOT want a poem for your birthday this year when you saw me writing one for someone else. You do know that you can be so devastatingly brutal and amusing at the same time, right? =P And I can act so unfazed to drive you up the wall. Lol. Remember your claiming that I'm the best sister in the whole wide world, and the instant "You know what? I hate you." comment right after that because I nonchalantly told you to clear the table? xD
Your declaring how you wanted to be your own person, not an expectation to live up to, while I felt the numbing sensation of what it must have been like being you all these years. You ARE your own person. Need I remind you who developed photoshopping and powerpoint presentation skills on her own? You excelled in this area, my independent, headstrong, tenacious, fierce, determined, nonsensical, irresistable sister. =)
By the way, you're exactly the kind of girl any guy would try to infuriate just to tell you how dazzlingly cute you are when you're angry. =P
Your good-natured (at times) sparring matches with Ray (which I often have to referee):
Ray *to me, and snickering* : May, she's adopted...
Rene *evenly*: Look who's talking.
May : See? I'm the only who isn't adopted. XD
Mum : NONE of my children are adopted!
Lol.
Your listening when I needed to rant and your undying loyalty to me. You were always on my side, and your vehement statements (about whoever I ranted about) showed how much you cared. You've always had a soft heart, for the stray dogs and cats and birds and bird eggs and even the rats.
Your defensive arguments whenever anyone accused you of living in a virtual world or loving animals more than you did humans. I couldn't understand you all the time, because eventhough we seem to be alike on the surface, deep down we're so different. But I think I understand how it feels like to have nobody understand or share your sentiments. You're so enigmatic. Frustratingly enigmatic, I must say. Haha.
You were always so photogenic, unlike your camera-shy sister. Just for your information, I don't mind your being taller than me. xD
You're beautiful, you know? =)
If there ever was a pair of sisters who could be the worst enemies and remain best friends (of a different sort), I guess we're it. Life is SOU interesting. =P
And Happy 13th Birthday!
p/s When you're done reading this entry, GO DO YOUR BED! July 26 Reasoning.You've known me for three years.
And in those three years:
I've never done anything for no apparent reason. Unless I was told to, and that in itself is a reason.
I have reasons for the way I think, the way I act, and most of the time, even my emotions. Not many people can reason out their emotions, not even you.
If I do not seem to have a good reason for something, that's probably because I haven't started looking for one. As long as I give it enough thought, I manage to figure out what drives me to do/feel something.
My reasons have never involved sadistic desires.
I have never given anybody any reason to doubt my actions. I am an open book. I am translucent, and that's only because transparency is a relative definition, one so subjective that I do not dare to use it in describing myself. If you ask, I answer. If you ask and I don't want to answer, I'll tell you so.
So why doubt me now? Why say you trust me with all of your heart, when you are feeling doubtful of my motives?
You're so unreasonable.
And I'm appalled that you think I'd stoop so low to do something so unreasonable. But I'm tired of conflict, I'm tired of confronting, and I know defending myself will only agitate me even more. I'm so fed up. I'm at my wits end. I am confused. I do not deserve this.
So this is it.
You're my coffee. You charge me up. I'll go find tea and relax.
I need to get away. From everything. From...everything... July 23 Preferences. And lists. ;)Cliques. They aren't unheard of. They're very real. And everyone belongs to one, whether theirs has many people or consists of me, myself and I. The real question here is, are cliques a bad thing?
Nope, in my truest opinion. It's being fanatically cliquish that's the bad thing, not wanting to venture out from your clique to meet new people or acting untouchable. As they go, birds of a feather flock together. It's not a matter of being snobbish. The key word here is common interests. Take, for instance, yours truly. I realize that I never venture much out of my social circle, but that's not because I look down on others. My social circle is made up of the so-called "nerds" or "intellectuals" of the school. I find them easier to talk to, because our minds are on the same wavelength. We think about the same things, discuss our common passions, laugh in sarcasm, joke in jest and I can be myself with them. You would hardly find me mixing with the gangsters in school, not because I look down on them, but because I do not think we'd share any common interests. Without common interests, I guess no one relationship can last for long. And I'm the kind who goes for lasting relationships. =) But in the event a person outside my social circle is being friendly, I do not see why I should not be his/her friend. It doesn't kill to be friendly.
And this goes for other cliques as well. Somewhere, somehow, people's interests intersect, bringing them together. Everyone has preferences, and you can't say anyone is "wrong".
Which allows me to broach on the topic of criteria. xD I must say, this disarming technique seems to work pretty well. [mental note to self : use it more often]
I bet most guys have heard of the fictional Mr Right that every girl has in her head. Well, for those who haven't, now you know. xD NOW you know. And I'm pretty sure I flippantly mentioned something about my criteria in a previous post. And no, I'm not going to post my criteria here. But I AM going to write something on criteria.
I'm still semi-human, you see, so I do wonder what goes on in a guy's mind once in a while. When a girl says she has criteria, does the guy immediately brand her as snobbish, highbrow and hard to get? Seriously, if I were a guy, I'd be pretty apprehensive to approach her, knowing that I mightn't meet the benchmark.
But I'm a girl, and sometimes I have to see things from a girl's point of view as well. Lol. Talking about lists, which girl hasn't made one of Mr Right? And no, contrary to what a guy might think, the list doesn't mean the girl is impossible to get. Okay, starting from here, I can only speak for myself again. It can be so frustrating when your mind isn't on the same track as normal girls. Blah. But who knows, some might agree with me. I know Amy does, for instance...then again, she isn't the mainstream type of girl either.
Everyone has a list, some criteria. Just look around you at your closest friends. Whatever your closest friends are like, they probably fulfill at least 80% of your criteria. Because unconsciously, there are certain innate qualities we look for in a close friend, one that we feel would be compatible with us. Mr Right would have to fall into the category of a close friend while being a boyfriend as well, right?
So if you're already a close friend, that means you aren't too far from what I like. XD
Speaking of lists, I'm a pro. I've made lists of things to do, shopping lists, you name it. I started dreaming of what my Mr Right would be like in my late primary school years. Girls tend to do that. I think I did mention that I was still semi-human, right? And I found out, the more specific one tended to be, the more one tended to swallow one's own words. XD
And values change with time, although mine never deviated far from what was long ago. I used to think "cuteness" was a must, until I found out how many different definitions "cute" could have for me - a simple idiosyncrasy, sweetness, wrong words at the wrong time, the classic innocent "cute" that would make any girl feel mothering, (immaturity?)etc.
I gave up on cute. LOL. In time, the same went for other (superficial, perhaps. I was YOUNG, okay?) specifications, save for one, and I have my own reasons for it. ;)
So, my hyper-specific list dwindled down to a few generalisations. Little bonuses wouldn't hurt, hehe, but there's a reason it's called a "bonus". Not really necessary. It doesn't matter though, because according to the average feedback I get, my criteria is still difficult to meet. Must be the environment I'm in.=P And yeah, I also remember saying I've only met one other guy who managed to fulfill all my criterion, but then I realized I was wrong. XD Because there was one criterion that went "Must Love Me". Lol. So technically, no one has broken the record yet.
But still, in the corner of my mind, I am assessing every guy who comes across my path, even if I don't see him as a potential significant other. It's just something I do unconsciously. The band of friends I hang out with all have something, if not a lot, in common. =)
The point is, it's pointless to make a list now (to me), because the more I talk, the more likely would I be to contradict myself when the actual time comes. You never know until you meet the real thing, right? And when you do, it's not like chemistry is as easy as that. =P
And who are guys to complain that girls are hard to get, while they themselves, subconsciously, have a list as well?
Don't deny it, look around at your friends and compare them to your girlfriend. XD July 22 P/s I love you.Heartache
Please
For my sake
shut up.
All I want
Is to be somewhere
anywhere
else,
other than in the middle.
And you know
how much it pains me
when you talk about it
when you laugh about it
when you're excited about it.
Because I cannot
fall for your
every claim.
Not anymore.
Consider my feelings
for a change
And all I'm asking for
is your silence
on this matter,
perhaps forever. Look beyond
my smouldering glare,
Can't you see
my aching heart
present there?
I care
but too much to pretend.
Find someone else
to be your best friend
And leave me alone.
And maybe someday,
we'll be okay
Again.
stilllovingyou
May.
July 21 Who says I can't be wicked?(This entry is dedicated to Sugar, The Mythic One and AD.)
Before my blog starts sounding like a model essay book for wackos, I'd better try a different approach to blogging. xD Well, I'll start with the classic introduction, the conversation.
May : You know why I like to have buddies? Because that means my character is really likeable, and your liking me isn't influenced by any other chemical factors. Get the idea?
AD : No get.
AD's so funny I wanna smack him sometimes. XD
That aside, I'll cut straight to the point. As a girl, having buddies can really be fun, especially because they treat you like an equal. Take, for instance :
May *worriedly* : Do you think YL will be jealous if we're seen talking together so often?
Sugar : No~lah.
May : Well, what's so different between me and X (another girl whom he is afraid of being seen with)?
Sugar : You're different. I can just "pap" you on the shoulder, but I can't do that with X. xD
Lol. And especially especially when they're older than you by one year and you still have to babysit them. xD
But the nicest part is, after seeing you as a buddy and an equal for such a long time, you get to see their priceless expressions when they finally see you as a GIRL as well. Lol. I know I never told you guys this, but to the Mythic One and Sugar, I just loved it when you guys started calling me "girl" as a nickname when we first met. Not that you guys actually saw me as a girl (it was just a nickname for sexual discrimination and teasing), but I liked it anyway. Then yesterday, when you guys walked down the stairs and saw me "prettified" and started wolfcalling and AD said I was blushing...
Lol, I'll never forget that.
And I also love the way my buds look out for me, especially the concern they exhibit about my appearance (while I smirk and roll my eyes). Here's a list of what they've unsubtly (guys are never subtle) hinted about before :
#1 Long hair (this seems to be the current fixation about my appearance.).
#2 Contact lenses.
#3 Miniskirts. Lol!
#4 Tank tops (recent addition: just yesterday).
#5 Earrings.
Maybe someday. =P
And sitting around chattting yesterday:
May : I don't know why, but recently people have been saying I'm pretty. Out of the blue.
Sugar *smiling knowingly and muttering* : You're pretty and you know that.
In a tone that implied, "Don't go fishing for compliments."
HEY I WASN'T! I was really just commenting. And I do not think I'm especially pretty, but now that he mentioned it...I might reconsider? Lol.
The way he said it just made my day. After all, who doesn't like receiving compliments? =)
And the highlight of the day:
(In KFC, after we were done with our food)
AD : Stupid coleslaw.
May : That coleslaw was my cousin. When you called it stupid, I felt hurt too.
AD : OH? Sorry then, coleslaw. Eh, if the coleslaw is your cuzzy, that means you're edible lah?
(and this is the part where my estrogen level kicked in and I became uber wicked and coy)
May : Of course. I'm tasty. Lick me.
AD and Sugar : EWW.
AD : I wish I never heard that!
(while I snickered so hard that my whole body shook)
The Mythic One : What did she say?
AD *mimicking* : I'm tasty. Lick me.
Rach : So monotonous meh...
Yes, I can be so wicked sometimes, at the expense of my buds who consider me a good girl.
I love 'em all because they make me feel sho special. Like what I said yesterday, I love being the only girl among the guys, because then, they have to give me their undivided attention. *WIDE GRIN*
July 18 XD.Fabian and Ernest are my latest projects. Man, I wonder how come I took so long to get to know them. They're just so much fun. I mean, I tell Fabian (or Ernest, it's interchangeable) like a dozen times everyday how much I love him (and how much he's supposed to love me) and that I wanna marry him someday. I'm getting more than my daily ration of laughter everyday! LOL. And I love to see that look on their face when I say that to them. Fabian, in particular, would play along and say he's gonna come meet my parents. Hypothetical situation : (When Fabian comes to my house)
Dad : Do you know physics and chemistry?
Fabian : N..no.
Mum : Can you speak English?
Fabian : Wo bu hui jiang.
Dad and Mum : OUT.
And then after that, he can go jump in the river. XD Or from a very tall building. He's jumped plenty of times since meeting me, so it's no big deal anymore to him anyway.
He told me that he spoke to X the other day about chasing me. [Author's disclaimer : Everything mentioned was said in jest. And in Chinese, so this is the translated version.)
Fabian : I tell you, you don't have to dream about chasing May. Passing HER criteria is already hard enough. Then, AFTER THAT, you still have to pass her dad's criteria. Peng ar you. When he goes " Do you know physics?", all you can say is " I don't even take physics." XD Then you meet her mum. "Can you speak English?" "No I don't know how."
Lol.
But he's right about the passing my criteria being very difficult part. xD In fact, I HAVE met a guy (sadly, only ONE) who passed every single criterion of mine, but I don't have any special feelings towards him even. Yeah, I'm puzzled too. XD I can identify with Javiar.
On a different note :
Pn Ng asked us to write a sonnet this morning. One on Love, no less. ROMANTIC love, no less.
Um. I'm possibly the worst person to ask to write this kinda...thing. I can't mush my words when I can't feel them. And I cringe when I encounter stereotypical, cliche statements about love. What more in a sonnet, where the words have to rhyme and one's style is inhibited, heheh...
No, thank you?
But I wrote it all the same, cringing all the while. And Fabian went up to recite it. LOL.
YUCK YUCK YUCK.
July 16 The Happy List.After Show and Tell on Saturday evening, I'm still a little hungover. =P So, I decided to write down a list of ten things that never fail to make me happy, and here goes.
May's Happy Moments
#1 When I'm worshipping God with all my soul and my strength and my mind.
#2 When I get to sleep in on rainy mornings. Mmmmm~
#3 Watching the clouds during sunrise and breathing in the fresh air around me.
#4 Finishing all my homework, studying and memorizing. (which reminds me, Bio and Physics after this.)
#5 Getting lost in time. I get lost in time all the time, so I might as well enjoy it. xP
#6 Finding many jelly beans in a bar of Cadbury Black Forest.
#7 Seeing that look on a guy's face when I tell him I wanna marry him. Just to shut him up if he's teasing me about another guy. XD
#8 When others do sweet, simple, thoughtful things that make my heart melt.
#9 When my offbeat sense of humour works and puts a smile on other people's faces.
#10 Being needed and appreciated.
No, ten is not enough. xD
#11 The anticipation of a pleasant surprise I set for somebody else.
#12 Complimenting sincerely with the exactest adjectives. It makes a special person truly feel special.
#13 Ironing my clothes. Okay, I have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). I love having my clothes ironed, my bedroom tidy, the kitchen stove cleaned, etc etc etc. HEHE.
#14 Looking into my dog's eyes and telling her how much I just LOVE her.
#15 And vice versa. I can read dog-speak. xP
#16 Telling my closest friends the same thing too. And knowing that the feeling is mutual. Lol.
#17 Being in perfect health.
#18 Admiring my handwriting when it turns out nice. xP
#19 When mum fries keropok/cooks black-sauce chicken after a one-way tirade; her way of saying "sorry".
#20 When I make a difference in another person's life by just being May.
Oh man, I feel so happy now. XD XD XD.
I guess everyone should start writing a list of their own. It's therapeutic! =) July 15 Of History and Haywired-brains.So once upon a time, there lived a dude by the name of Aristattle, and his wannabe friend called Alexandria the Groovy.
Alexandria was a she. No, wait, a he. Oh, disregard the myth that he/she was bisexual. He/She wasn't. I know that for a fact, cause he/she was plainly trisexual. We'll call him/her It.
So Aristattle was this cool dude who had a bird for a brain. It went "cuckoo,cuckoo" at times. Yes, at certain times of the day, such as 12 noon.
Don't ask what Alexandria had for a brain. It had caterpillars for grey matter. Yes, I know I told you not to ask. If I wanted to answer, so what?
So ends the tale of the bird-brain and the caterpillar-wannabe.
Told by dacmonald, because these two animals were in his Zoo. B-i-n-g-o! I mean, E-i-E-i-O!
And the moral of the story is, never chat to Phoebe when you're high. July 13 Shy shy.My dad's a middle-born extrovert, my mum's a middle-born introvert. Voila! You have yours truly, a confused, halfway-to-nowhere middle-child. I am both an extrovert and an introvert. Actually, an extroverted introvert.
People say I've changed. Not necessarily for the better or worse, but still, it's obvious that I've changed. Gone were the years when I sat alone in cell group reading any storybook I could get my hands on while the kids did what kids did - play and mix around. Amy said that in our younger days, she remembered me as the girl who was always in a corner reading a book. She did try to talk to me, but according to her, I seemed more interested in my storybook, so well...yeah.
Ariel? In her own words : I remember her being a quiet, nice little girl, always reading the bible or storybooks, never talked, never shouted, never sang, never laughed, seriously, she should be the one called Ariel, she's like....VOICELESS!
Those formative years already had me showing unmistakeable traits of introversion, and till today, the symptoms linger. I know people say I've changed. I certainly don't tote a book around and I have a healthy social life (perasanlah!) but I still can't really get over my shyness sometimes. If an acquaintance in school smiles or greets me, I'd probably avert my gaze, look back and manage a half-smile. Just like when I'm out of school and people smile at me in the supermarket or somewhere. Seriously, I don't even dare to meet the eyes of the cashier when I pay for stuff.
But in EYM, it's a whole different story. If you say adjectives are subjective, I say adjectives are relative. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. xD Years of co-ed training have taught me basic social skills which come in handy in building relationships. Due to the significant number of single-ed guys and girls in EYM, I, being from a co-ed school, am seen as "fun" and "outgoing". Of course, the difference in atmosphere also gives me more allowance to expose my more sunshiny side. In reality, I'm quite serious at the core, as anyone in school would testify to. My enthusiasm fluctuates, I'm not always funny and I certainly get tired of acting light every once in a few hours. Hehe.
But they also say that you are your harshest critic. =P
Still, the point is, I can identify with those who are painfully shy and want to talk, because I am a once-was. To make a conversation smoother and more comfortable, I tend to compensate for their lack of outgoingness with my expressiveness. Trust me, it does wonders to put people at ease. It's a tried and tested formula - for me, at least. Once they see me all "bubbly" and "enthusiastic", they warm up and the delightful adaptive mechanism found in humans immediately starts clicking. xD
Remember that poem on being afraid to meet another person's eyes? Now you know what prompted that. =P
July 11 Popular. Lalala.
I was sitting with a group of girls in my class that fine afternoon. We were having lunch, or at least, attempting to have lunch in between snatches of conversation. Somehow, the topic drifted to that of popularity, and I'll let the conversation speak for itself. Wait. A conversation speaki...? Nevermind.
(after one of the girls mentioned something about being popular...)
May : I never thought I was popular.
CH : YES May, you ARE.
May : B...but, I always stick to my own group. I don't...(cut off abruptly. This happens inevitably during group discussions.)
MS : May, you ARE popular.
May : I always thought you girls were the most popular clique in Form 4.
CH : Maybe in Form 4, we are, but in the whole school, you are.
WOW. This is NEW. I really never thought of myself as popular before. High profile, maybe. I mean, any teacher's daughter (with relatively good grades) would be high profile anyway. But popular?
According to AskOxford.com:
popular
• adjective 1 liked or admired by many or by a particular group. 2 intended for or suited to the taste or means of the general public: the popular press. 3 (of a belief or attitude) widely held among the general public. 4 (of political activity) carried on by the people as a whole. I have highlighted the most suitable meaning in context. The thing is, they most probably meant I was high profile. Not popular, in the sense of the word. Because as far as I know, I can't be well-liked if I am not well-known by many people. Really really understood, not just a name. I automatically assume that people I don't know, don't know me as well. Don't know means don't like lah. Okay, that delusion was dispersed mere hours ago when I discussed it with Amy. I'm not saying I don't have many friends, but I usually focus on my own little social circle. No one person can care for everybody. That's a fact. With my all or nothing mentality, I guess I'm either really into a person, or not at all. That doesn't mean I alienate all my other acquaintances, though. I try my best to balance. But seriously, if I had to choose being well-liked and being well-known (meaning high profile), I'd go for the former any given day. Very few can be both well-liked and well-known. Those would be the the ones gifted with exuberance and extroversion, and sadly, I'm not included in the club. =P I'm only halfway there. Having said that, I rest my case. Oh, and nobody needs to be flattered. xD Just in case you ask, Jwern. July 10 Heart-warming.Heard this cute story today. Mmmm.
She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary boarding school having an oh-so-ordinary crush on him. And just like any ordinary crush, when he didn't respond, feelings of frustration accumulated, and the crush eventually wore off.
And it so went that he did come to be crushed on her - just too little too late. Both parties were in an awkward situation, as she didn't, no, she couldn't feel anything for him anymore. The awkwardness developed into a sort of hatred for each other (in her own words), so much so that when he walked into the class, she walked out; when they met each other in the corridor, both immediately shrank to the opposite sides of the path. Of course, they were still on speaking terms, and she did ask him to buy chocolates for her when the guys had their turn to go to town(just fyi, guys and girls alternated weeks to go to town in this boarding school).
And on the last day of school, everyone went around shaking hands and forgiving one another for any past wrongs, as what was the usual custom. They exchanged contact numbers, as did everyone. She went on to the university, where she kept in touch with her friends - and needless to say, him as well.
And maybe we all know the end of the story, but I'll just tell it anyway. =)
They decided to give each other a chance, and the rest is, as they go, history. She had never had a boyfriend, he had never had a girlfriend, and I guess they were made for each other, although I never met him.
-the end-
BLAH. WHY DOES IT TOUCH A NERVE SO?
I think I know why. I WANT! I WANT I WANT I WANT!
xD July 08 The beauty of silence.Silence is Loud
She looked at him
and looked away.
Time froze.
He sensed a sadness,
a mystery.
And he knew
she wouldn't tell,
not for now.
He didn't know
what to say,
but stood beside her
anyway.
And it mattered
the whole world
to her.
Because a silence
can speak
a thousand words. July 06 Love me. Love me not.How does it feel to be hated - for nothing you did, or didn't do? Give me a break. Please. So getting good grades and being high profile is a CRIME now eh? Why is jealousy so potent?
You know what, if they wanted a solid, concrete reason to hate me, they could have just approached me and asked for one. I'd give them more than they want!
Top 6 Reasons to Hate May Yap
#1 I'm arrogant, stuck up, demeaning, manipulative and scheming.
#2 I lie, cheat, steal, rob and murder compulsively. I can't help it, I was born like that.
#3 I'm sadistic and cruel. I derive pleasure from the pain of others.
#4 In case you haven't noticed, I'm a psychopath with multiple personality disorders.
#5 I sabotage others in order to remain at the top of the class. Nah, you thought I studied? Big joke. Add maths is peanuts when everyone else's calculator is MIA.
#6 I've practically exhausted my entire vocabulary of negative adjectives and the like. Insert your own if you hate me.
For the sarcasm-challenged, just believe everything I just said. I don't mind.
Maybe I should just start introducing myself like this :
"Hi, I'm May. I'm narcissistic, immature and unreasonable. I'm a ticking time-bomb personified. Nice to meet you."
I don't understand. If others dislike me, why can't they just TELL me what it is that they can't stand about yours truly? Gossiping behind my back and harbouring hate won't do me any good, nor will it do them any good. I'm not infallible. I'm not perfect. But I do try my best to be nice to everyone. I don't intentionally hurt others, I help out as much as I can willingly. If you hate (and that's a pretty strong word to use)me, there must be either something really really wrong with YOU, or I'm just the most narcissistic, arrogant person on the face of the earth.
Chill. Chill.
I'd better go back to popping chocolate balls into my mouth. They're good for stress, by the way.
Or perhaps I'll take Eddie's advice on how to make others like me.
#1 Give people moolah. Everyone likes money bah.
#2 Food's the next best thing.
#3 Long hair, contact lenses, milk+papaya juice. They'll give me curves that'd make guys salivate and girls commit suicide.
Yeah, Eddie will be Eddie. XD
But at the end of the day, it still hurts. *sigh* July 05 Big girls don't cry. Or do they?Little Wonders
-Rob Thomas-
Let it go, Let it roll right off your shoulder Don't you know The hardest part is over Let it in, Let your clarity define you In the end We will only just remember how it feels Our lives are made In these small hours These little wonders, These twists & turns of fate Time falls away, But these small hours, These small hours still remain Let it slide, Let your troubles fall behind you Let it shine Until you feel it all around you And I don't mind If it's me you need to turn to We'll get by, It's the heart that really matters in the end Our lives are made In these small hours These little wonders, These twists & turns of fate Time falls away, But these small hours, These small hours still remain All of my regret Will wash away somehow But I cannot forget The way I feel right now In these small hours These little wonders These twists & turns of fate These twists & turns of fate Time falls away but these small hours These small hours, still remain, Still remain These little wonders These twists & turns of fate Time falls away But these small hours These little wonders still remain
In love with this song, because it totally speaks my life. Was listening to it yesterday while dealing with a situation, and when I reached a certain point, I started to cry - in relief and joy. Guess my subconscious has been overactive recently. I was quite shocked myself. =P But as I said, "Cry some, play some, joke some, love some, trust some, relax some and live life some." So much for big girls not crying. Heh. July 04 What Makes A Perfectionist?So I was talking to KM during recess today, and he told me that I have a problem with anger, which isn't very true, since all I have is a problem with irritability. Whatever, XD. I'll get straight to the point. The topic lead to my being a perfectionist, and he told me something about what makes a perfectionist a perfectionist. Since I was pretty tense about the school magazine lately, he might have seen a little more than what he should have of my perfectionism, or what I'd like to call the responsible me. Anyway, my curiosity piqued, I went online to search for further details. If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense. Okay. Uh-huh. Quite true. A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:
And another muy interesting discovery: Results of Your Perfectionism Test
According to this test, you have some perfectionist tendencies that may be making you unnecessarily unhappy. You sometimes set high standards that are difficult to meet; either you impose those expectations on yourself, others, or a combination of the two. You may even think that others expect you to be perfect. While a desire to do your very best and strive to reach your full potential can bring you personal fulfillment, you have to learn when good is 'good enough'. It's important that you strengthen your ability to distinguish between reasonable aspirations and unrealistic demands. When you set unattainable objectives, you are being cruel to yourself and denying yourself the rewards and self-acceptance that you deserve.
At the end of the day, I still feel that my perfectionism isn't the main point. It's all about being responsible. Whether or not I'm a perfectionist, it doesn't justify irresponsibility in dealing with teamwork. Maybe that's why I positively hate working in teams. I'm often forced against my will to push and boss around, all because others aren't doing their job. It doesn't matter if they do their job imperfectly, but it does matter if they don't put any effort into it. If paired with irresponsible people, I tend to end up with the dirty work at the very last minute, teammates who think I'm ultra-pushy and most of the time, a perfect grade which doesn't even make up for what I had to go through to get it. And all the while, it's for everyone's benefit that I strive. Because my teammates' grades are at stake, not to mention mine too. And sometimes, I wish others knew how I feel about it. July 03 A letter from a friend.Dear May,
I won't ask how you were recently, because I know. Shocking, isn't it, the state our world is in? By anyone's standards, you're very slow. Honestly, I can't say I'm very surprised, seeing how well I know you.
I'll try to be a little less harsh on you. Girl, the problem with you is that you seem to know everything - but only in theory. You tend to avoid accepting cold, hard facts. You give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Learn that not everything is subjective, and whether or not you ignore a certain fact, it remains a fact. There will always be murders, rapes and homosexuality - more than you think you know of. Don't try to understand why, you never will.
Life is good for you, and people around you play fair most of the time. Sure, some do take advantage of you, and I can't say it's solely their fault, because obviously, you let yourself be preyed upon. No big deal. Wait till you grow up and meet people from all walks of life, some who will shamelessly shirk and act like they couldn't care less anyway (and get paid for it at the same time). Some who will take pride in mere mediocrity - although again, a person like you will never be able to understand why.
You build up a concrete little world around yourself, hoping that life will continue on like a fairy tale. Sorry to burst your bubble, but girl, bad things also happen to good people, and all too often, life is dictated by unforeseen external circumstances. It won't work to plan your life in detail, since life never goes according to plan. If you don't learn to adapt and let go of your idealistic ideas of people in general, you'll probably suffer a nervous breakdown. It's a jungle out there.
The bottom line is, it's high time you took off those rose-coloured spectacles you view the world with. Stop being so gullible. Your sarcasm might fool some into thinking you're wise, but underneath, both of us know that you're hopelessly idealistic and bound to be disappointed.
Cry some, play some, joke some, love some, trust some, relax some and live life some. There's nothing you can do about the state of the world, and I'd hate to see you become a pessimist, even given these brutal realities. Whatever others might do to you, always remember to live up to God's standards, not man's majority. And if life deals you a harsh blow, at least you're going to heaven. And you'll have a clear conscience. =)
Your alter-ego,
Maia
July 02 ...I can be such a total pushover at times. I know. You know too. I can't say no. Not to you. Not when you say I should - seeing I have the time and resources. You're always right. The problem's with me. Not you. Not you. Not you. I'm just being selfish. I'm sorry. Just so you know, I did it, even though I said I wouldn't. Forget it. Today's just one of those days that most things go wrong. |
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