...There goes my purrrrfect record of straight As for behaviour throughout my entire school life. Uh-oh.

 

It's kinda amusing, though. Knowing what Miss Tiong Ping is like, I shouldn't even be surprised that nobody in 4 Atom, not even the demurest girl, got an A. (I asked around, okay? Kiasu bah. Lol.)

 

I wonder if I should approach Miss Tiong to ask her what it is exactly that warrants an A in kelakuan.

 

Hypothetical situation:

 

 

 

For those of you who haven't tried having a perfectionist for an Add Maths-cum-form teacher, it's a really amusing, albeit chilling experience at times. You know, chilling when she pours cold water on our (relatively) high esteem of self and intellect. Because she knows that she's totally superior to us in Add Maths, and comparatively, we're nothing but a bunch of arrogant nit-wits (that's if we actually DARE to challenge her authority). xD Brrrr....I'm feeling cold.

 

But I like her all the same. =) And I think she almost likes me, for all the demoralizing grades I get for Add Maths. Well, I don't know if she's ever really liked anybody in her entire life, so I daren't act too cocksure of her level of affection for me. Hehe. There's this healthy respect that exists between perfectionists, ya noe? *wink*

 

(Teacher's pet ego speaking) =P

 

Just another poem describing how everyone feels at one point or another.

 

 

 

Why

Are you afraid

To meet my eyes?

Do you feel shy,

Awed, stupified?

Please don't.

 

Why

Are you afraid

To meet my eyes?

Have you wronged me,

Hurt me, misjudged me?

Don't feel guilty.

 

Why

Are you afraid

To meet my eyes?

Can I see through you,

More than you want me to?

I'm only human.

 

And then

I whisper to myself,

Why

Am I afraid

To meet your eyes?

I just thought a continuation would be appropriate. Since I'm having fun writing on this topic, I might as well enjoy myself wad. So, in my previous entry, I touched on how having a crush/interest/bgr is the norm nowadays, so much so that it can practically be considered a culture (and how those who aren't involved are the freaks). By the way, I just LOVE what Jwern said the other day.

 

 

COOL! Lol.

 

(Just fyi, BGR stands for boy-girl relationships, not some curse word. I don't use curse words.)

 

Anyway, I didn't touch on my reasons for not dabbling in BGR. Yes, some people do manage to balance their relationships, studies, co-curricular activities and family life perfectly, and no, I do not have anything against them. In fact, I respect them. Here, I will be speaking on behalf of yours truly and her values only. xD

 

Here goes:

 

- Hey, 100 years ago, our ancestors would never have dared to DREAM about dating at this age, because arranged marriages at appropriate ages were the norm. Who cares what's the norm? Seeing how messed up the present day society is, it might even be wiser to go against the flow. Let me dance to my own beat.

 

- So yeah, I have this idealistic, perhaps unrealistic dream here, but I'd love to marry my first boyfriend. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she? Even if that doesn't happen, at least the guy(s) I ended up with would be marriage-material. As they go, shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars. =)

 

- On the "equally serious about me" part, Pn Ng has her two cents.

Um, wouldn't that be unfair in my favour? I'm all for equality. Lol. Then again, I would definitely want a guy who'd love me more rather than a guy who'd love me less than I love him. If a dynamic equilibrium can't be achieved, that is. XD

 

- Why let my future significant other settle for an immature schoolgirl when in a few years time, he could be wowed by a more wholesome, beautiful soul? People do change, you know? *wink*

 

- Based on the average population, I would probably be single till my mid-twenties. The rest of my life would be spent in marriage. What's the big hurry to get tied down? The grass merely seems greener on the other side, and you never know what you have until you lose it. I plan on enjoying every stage of my life.

 

Before anyone comments snidely on how there's nobody interested in me anyway, I will explain why that isn't exactly a valid reason for my stand, although that fact DOES help. If I said that, that would mean I'd fall for any guy who's crushed on me. I'm not that desperate. =P

 

On that point, I am delightfully oblivious to matters of the heart. One might say I'm insensitive or blur, but hey, ignorance is bliss, especially when I see my friends getting all stressed out over guys who are presumably interested in them. Me? I assume nobody's interested in me. Everyone's just being friendly, like me. Life is good. xD

 

Ahem. I'd better stop before Eddie starts claiming that I'm cramming ideology down other people's throats. Lol. All I'm doing here is explaining my educated motives for not getting involved in BGR. I have to know what's best for myself, right?

 

Yeah, one might think I'm rationalizing all the romance out of love.

 

You know what I say?

 

 

To sum up, I don't want to be dated. I want to be courted. =)

 

 

 

Things can get pretty intense in co-ed schools.

 

Especially in the upper forms, when everyone starts expecting you to have a crush if you're still single, for reasons known only to hormone instability. To illustrate my point:

 

(This came from a convent schoolgirl, and it was pronounced with an air of confidence and finality.)

 

Please. Anyway, this is something I don't understand. It is totally - and I mean totally- possible for a teenager to have never had a full-blown crush before. I speak from experience. Oh, I am a girl and I do get fleeting interests in particular guys once every aeon or so, but those feelings have the about the same level of intensity as the energy I spend cultivating my oh-so-platonic friendships. Not something one'd call a full-blown, head over heels crush.

 

No, there is no problem with the guys I meet or whatever, it's just me and my unready heart. *you might wanna add a point that most eligible bachelors are taken already anyway* Those who have professed their crush on me directly or indirectly before were hey, seriously unserious. To prove my point that feelings at this premature age are fickle things, note the past tense I wrote the previous sentence in. xD

 

This leads me to another closely related subject - rumours. Recently, there was yet another rumour about me, this time concerning my relationship with Bryan. I do believe that people have nothing else better to do in their spare time than speculate about my love-life (or rather, the lack thereof). When Y had the guts to ask me about the rumour just the other week, he received an icy blast of sarcasm.

 

 

Thus begun a marvellously curt conversation which ended with his (supposedly) being convinced that I was so NOT in love with Bryan.

 

Duh. Unfortunately, as I found out the other day, Y was, and still is, I presume, harbouring the preposterous idea that I am irrevocably crushed on Bryan.

 

W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R..

 

When I told Amy about that, she suggested that Y might be jealous of Bryan, meaning there is a possibility that Y is crushed on me. That sent me howling in laughter, as I know that I am the very very very LAST person Y might possibly be crushed on. The feeling's mutual, by the way.

 

Anyway, since my reputation is already tarnished by all that gossip, I might as well enjoy it. Why not spread a counter-rumour about how I'm in love with Prince William's equally-hot-100-times-removed cousin whom I met on a flight to Europe? Who knows, he might even send me flowers and chocolate every other weekend or so since he's so filthy rich and all.

 

No one'd even know that Prince William isn't hot in my books, and neither do I love flowers (those that are cut off for decoration purposes. Live ones in their natural condition are lovely). Then again, I'm a pretty bad liar. Oh well.

 

I mean, I don't pine for serious BGR, especially since I have friends of the opposite sex who write birthday notes that read :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C'est la vie just the way I like it.

 

Anyway, here's the highlight of my week - and when you thought things couldn't get any better, just take a look at the timing! The very first day of school, after the semester holiday, that is. Don't I lead a charmed life? Hehe.

 

So there I was, in a tight spot with little time I had running out. Pn Ng had just received this fax inviting 10 students from SMKJA to watch the debate nationals held at the MPBL- that very afternoon. When she told me about it, I grinned dismissingly, told her that TA, Amy, and Kelvin weren't even back in Kuching yet (Leo Forum in Miri), so her 5 students were non-existent, let alone 10. Somewhat relieved, she passed that message back to the Pengetua. Bad mistake. Her Royal Highness the Pengetua INSISTED that we send some representatives, if not 10.

 

To short the long, being at the bottom of the school political chain, I had to recruit schoolmates who 1. had the resources and parents to send them back early, 2. would actually CONSENT to go to a debate competition, 3. would want to spend their precious afternoon watching people yakking away for 3 hours.

 

Not an easy job. To say the least, only Charmaine (Pn Ng's daughter), Rene and I went in the end. Having a parent in school does come in handy when it comes to technical stuff like signing consent forms.

 

I'm getting side-tracked already. Anyway, this is what happened : After soliciting consent from around 8 of my fellow classmates (who eventually didn't go anyway), I had to write down a list of their names. I tore this small piece of paper out from the whole bigger piece, and guess what - I tore it horribly. Even with the aid of a ruler. As I winced at the uneven edges, a thought crossed my mind : Maybe I should get a compact notebook like the one Amy uses, since it'd definitely come in handy when it comes to writing lists of names and the like. Seeing that I am currently the class monitor, I'd undoubtedly have to do plenty of that in the near future. Just a thought. I think about almost everything and anything. No biggie. ( Author's disclaimer : Except mathematical stuff.)

 

During BM period, the teacher waddled (she's pregnant and that accounts for the waddling) into the room and we had Nilam period. Only, this time, she had some questionnaires with her. 8 questionnaires, to be precise. I couldn't help but be interested in those questionnaires - I had never been selected to fill in one before. I remember envying those who got to voice out their opinions and wondering why I never got a chance to do so. Hehe. ANYWAY. Back to the topic. I acted indifferent. I mean, it isn't cool to actually show that you WANT to comply with what the school wants, right? Lol. Nevermind. After asking again and again for volunteers, she finally got her hands off all the questionnaires - all but one. The very last one. She looked at me, I looked at her. Then, she said, "Ah May, kamu ambil yang terakhir ini."

 

I finally got a taste of what doing a questionnaire felt like. Nothing much, just a lot of circling numbers, rating 1-5 what one feels about certain stuff - in my case, co-curricular activities. By the way, this survey wasn't carried out by the school, but by some college or something.

 

I passed up my paper after completing it. And guess what?

 

 

The teacher handed me a compact notebook - a little way of saying "thanks for your cooperation" by the organizers. *A moment of silence in reverent awe*

 

And I didn't even have to pray for it! Lol! Seriously, who prays for compact notebooks anyway?

 

I guess God delights in giving His children little surprises from time to time, eh? He shares the same sense of humour I have! xD

 

 

Phil's party on Friday night was a blast. Besides the fact that Justy, him and I share the same birthday (the partay was belated, not the birthday), the party had a theme as well. Okay, so that's the scary part. What theme?

 

...Gothic. I immediately had visions of ditching the party and going to Andy's party instead, which was held on the same night, which I was ALSO invited to mere minutes after Phil invited me to his party. I had to go through the unpleasant experience of turning down Andy's invitation, especially since I knew that some others wouldn't be able to make it to his party also. Guilt. Hehe. Back to the topic.

 

So, gothic. What exactly did THAT mean? Pale skin (this I can pull off au naturale), vampires and blood all over? Or maybe I got confused with Ju-On. Whatever. Phil just told me to wear dark clothing, and here's the gulp-worthy other half of that seemingly harmless statement : and make-up. Make-WHA? I have aversions to that stuff, you know? I have had previous experiences with those, and none were remotely comfortable, let alone flattering. Ahem.

 

Somehow, I got talked into doing it by Jia Hsien while at the party. He said that it's an entry level requirement, and that I should be more sporting. His logic appealed to me. I should, since I'd only be looking as horrendous as that once in a lifetime anyway. Raccoon eyes and murky-red coloured lip-liner. Or that's what I think it was, anyway. So, I gave in.

 

Jia Hsien even said that I looked nice with the make-up (is that guy crazy or...insane?!). Jia Wern said I looked interesting. Or rather, interesting. You get the idea. David? He took one look at me, and laughed his heart out. I'd say he was the most honest one of all. Lol. There's no accounting for taste. Tsk tsk tsk. XD Rene looked really gothic, though, with the eye-liner and mascara accentuating her enormous eyes. The gothic look went well with her natural, perpetually rebellious facial expression. Hehe.

 

 

 

Now I don't know how true that was, since I've never seen myself blush before. Amy said that she's never seen me blush before either. Most of the time, my cheeks turn pink easily from laughing or exertion. But I was certainly feeling very very paiseh at that moment, so I guess I might have blushed. Heh.

 

***

 

So, part two. I'll skip the mouth-watering lasagna, pasta, potatoes, kebab and...yeah, I can just imagine you guys starting to drool. =P I'll go right to where the party animals hit the dance floor and went W-I-L-D! Nisha, Jwern, Ivan and I were pioneers on the dance floor. Having been there, done that in Nisha's house, I was having fun - lots of it. After a short while, others crowded around and the dancing began. Whoo~ sizzling. Seriously. I even coerced (just a fancier way of saying "forced") Jia Hsien into showing me some dance moves, since he got to see me in make-up. xD

 

That dancing was real dancing, with lots of hip-gyrating and flaunting of certain body parts, as Nisha would most probably put it. Ballroom music? Not on your life. The dance floor resembled a discotheque, with all of us pairing up randomly. Phil paired up with me without my even realizing it, so THAT attempt ended clumsily with a "Don't ram into me!". Lol. Sorry, Phil. After that, I improved and paired up with Rene, Caryn, Nisha, Jwern and Nat at different times. Most of the time, though, I was soloing to the beat. Some guy even called me hot, referring to my dance moves. xD Everyone was partaying, in the very sense of the word (minus the drugs, beer and police cars, hehe). Jwern even did a tickling impersonation of Peter Parker dancing in the street (Spiderman 3). David used some fancy football footwork to dance to an impossible beat. Lol! And Nisha dragged me up from the couch every time I decided to take a rest.

 

The night ended too young, as mum came to pick us up at about 10pm. For goodness' sakes, we didn't even get to see the birthday cake! But Phil passed a piece to us in youth last night, so we didn't miss out. The cake had his name, Justy's and my name on it. Haha. I guess sharing a birthday has its benefits.

 

Oh, and just in case anyone's starting to get alarmed, I'm back to my usual mode of nerdy ol' May. *wink* Not like I have a choice, school's reopening tommorow. Hiak hiak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's what's going on inside my head.

 

Conflict : To quit or not to quit.

 

Logic : It isn't worth my time, or ANYBODY's time. In fact, I don't think anybody actually spends time on it. Nobody cares, it doesn't have a purpose, it can't AFFORD to be interesting, and the stuff posted are hardly news-worthy. How news-worthy can news which applies to ALL the citizens of SMKJA be, anyway? Being pro-SMKJA and unhypocritical at the same time really encourages the formation of a serious alter-ego as well. Besides, it's damaging to the author's reputation.

 

Conscience : I should be continuing this legacy left by Sheng Han.

 

Justification : There are at least two other (anti) SMKJA groups that exist. With the announcements, comments, criticism, friendly fire and hot stuff there (which the school blog cannot possibly match), the school blog is presumably labelled as lame, boring and rather stupid, if the author herself might say so.

 

Alternative : Is there one? Well, I could pass the legacy down to Rene and let her try her hand at it. Or anybody else interested? I don't think so. Let's be realistic.

 

Conclusion : I'll ask Rene's opinion. If she rejects the proposal, SMKJA's blog is going to go. Not like anybody's gonna notice anyway.

 

(The conclusion was reached pretty fast. Part of the reason is that it's currently 11.27pm and I am not nocturnal. xD)

 

P/s Volunteers would be greatly appreciated. Although I'm not very optimistic about that happening.

 

 

 

Alright! I feel like posting something happier here. I'm in a light mood today, and seriously, all those previous posts of mine seem rather morbid now. *wink*

 

Guess what I'm doing. Really, just guess. I'm reading a chinese essay book! I feel in top form now, with the revival of my BC linguistic skills. Nothing like a language to get your mood up, except perhaps some extra knowledge on psychology and self. ;p Oh, and people, of course. I love my life!

 

So anyway, something Amy said before struck a chord with me just yesterday. She said, "Don't expect everyone to think like you." Kinda paiseh to admit that I really once thought everyone thought like me. Bryan also said I was too naive. I realized the truth value of this statement when I did my first ever tutorial together with Amy, tutoring Theresa. Amy knew exactly what points to highlight and what to learn by rote. A stark contrast to her, I said, "Just use the elimination method and logic will help you out." Hey, we all know how ridiculous the PMR standard is at times, setting questions with only ONE possible answer. Yeah, it's not even a case of "cari jawapan yang paling tepat", it's a case of "cari jawapan yang betul".

 

And Amy said to this, "May, not everyone has your memory and learns like you do." Oops. A sheepish hehe follows.

 

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a teacher if I don't learn the way most people do. Then again, teachers aren't born with aptitude, and what's the use of a teaching course if teachers were born to be teachers? Haha.

 

That aside, I wonder how often I can expect others to think alike with me. I obviously can't expect everyone to love serving as much as I do, or to love being around me as much as I love being around them. How far can I go taking what others say at face value? Sometimes, even I don't want what I say to be taken at face value. But that rarely happens (with me), so no fear. On the other hand, how can I expect everyone to absolutely detest me and dislike doing anything for my benefit? I just can't help but worry about what others really think. Of me, usually.

 

Maybe that's why the feeling of understanding another person creates so much euphoria for me. Maybe that's why I love psychology to bits. Because I want to understand people, if not predict their actions.

 

Hehe. Perhaps because I lack an intuition as well. XP But I don't have to worry so much, since Amy's always there with her intuition to save the day. LOL.

Hey, this is just for you. You know who you are. =)

 

 

I'm not sure I know you anymore.

 

Reality just hit

Socked you in the face.

Yes, you knew, even expected it

and still chose to live in denial.

 

Letting you go was hard for me

but I gradually learnt to hold back.

I watched you make your own decisions,

both the good and the bad.

I knew you had to grow up sometime,

whether or not you were prepared.

Slowly, but surely,

you alienated me.

 

Now, you want to start over again.

It won't be that easy, my friend.

I'll be there for you when she leaves

But things will never be the same.

We are talking people here,

not some petty game.

 

I won't ask, "Was she worth it?"

Rhetorically.

I, myself, do not know too.

Perhaps you really didn't need us then,

perhaps all you needed was her.

All the same, I can't say I'm sorry,

For everyone learnt something new.

We both did some growing up

and matured, as we had to.

Maybe there was no good or bad,

just a choice between good and best.

 

Maybe, just maybe,

it would be better

starting over once more.

This time, both of us whole souls,

and a second chance worth fighting for.

One we won't take lightly.

For, out of that may come

a friendship richer than before.

 

-May-

 

I don't feel anything. I can't, anymore. But, perhaps, this is love in action, and love isn't merely something we feel. I'll be there for you when you need me. No, we'll be there for you.

 

Because that's what friends are for. =)