We're going to be logical and nothing but logical here. Those of you who can't stand logic, this is the wrong place for you. =P

 

Premise 1: People who think they're always right cannot be reasoned with.

Premise 2: Someone thinks she's always right.

Conclusion: Someone cannot be reasoned with.

 

By definition, people who 'cannot be reasoned with' are unreasonable, hence 'irrational' can be used as an alternative word. (Thank you, Ms Tiong Ping, for teaching us this cool phrase. By definition. By definition. Hmm, sounds good.)

 

Premise 1: Irrational people are not approachable.

Premise 2: Someone's irrational.

Conclusion: Someone's not approachable.

 

Premise 1: If a person is not approachable, then we seek alternative ways of getting the message across.

Premise 2: Someone isn't approachable.

Conclusion: DUH. Go figure.

 

Premise 1: Irrational comments can only be rebutted in a way that questions the intelligence of the person who made them.

Premise 2: I wasn't feeling very murid contoh-like today.

Conclusion: *Cough*. XD

 

[The rest of this post has been deleted for having too high an acidic concentration.]

Ing Thian is now officially my self-appointed image consultant, and aspires to transform me into the next Malaysian Dreamgirl. Apparently, he hadn't gotten enough of that day's viewing, and subsequently wailed his distress upon seeing my new hairstyle today.

 

 

Okay, not only him...Wei Chern also shot me a glare. XD What lah. Am I their Barbie doll or something?

 

Anyway, throughout the course of the entire morning, Ing Thian repeated himself a few times just in case the message didn't get through. "May, why did you cut your hair short? Let it grow. And wear miniskirts. You looked so pretty."

 

To which I retorted, "'Sexy' and 'pretty' are two different things."

 

Upon which he replied, "Same difference."

 

GUYS. What more can I say. =P

 

But here's the most preposterous statement : May, wear your hair long, you'll have a happier life. (because guys will chase you by the bunch)

 

Wow. That's a first. xD Slack-jawwing, much? If I rolled my eyes any more, they'd probably never find their way back to their proper positions. =P

 

 

 

Just when it was getting exciting, reality intruded and I found myself staring at metal balls in place of what would have preferably been hand-grenades. As if the petanque competition today was THAT exciting. Aim, throw, yelp, sigh, threaten. Repeat. =P I played a lousy game today for some reason pertaining to my feng shui. Or perhaps it was just because we were up against the defending champions in the first round, also due to my lucky feng shui in drawing such a lot. Some team captain I was. Next time, I'll check my horoscope and fortune cookie before I join any competitions. In fact, I did approximately a THOUSAND times better for practice the day before, and that, was with a fresh wound from getting cut by a knife for being impatient while attempting to chop a frozen layered cake for breakfast. Anyway, enough of bashing myself up. Like what Jwern said, think of all the KK points you're racking up!

 

Excuse me while I meditate on that point awhile. =P Oh, and I broke the knife, just in case you were wondering.

 

That aside, there was this very interesting excursion to The Spring in the midst of the competition (ahem, it was just opposite the petanque court). Since we had ample time on our hands after our respective turns, we managed to persuade Pn Wong to let us loaf around for awhile.

 

And the 'very interesting' part is when the guys get to see May Yap in a miniskirt, of all things. Charmaine started up the whole thing, getting me to try on a miniskirt in F.O.S that apparently wasn't that mini, in her opinion, that is. I, too, was curious about how I'd look in one of those things, so I agreed to try it on just for the sake of experimenting. xD

 

Now somewhere in the middle of the story, the guys got wind of that, and came for a viewing as well. =P I initially shoo-ed them away, but later decided that letting them see me in one wouldn't kill. They all nodded their approval, and suggested that the skirt be hiked up further. *ahem* Ing Thian wanted to take pictures with his handphone and post them up on Friendster and Youtube and possibly the Borneo Post and Eastern Times as well, but I closed the door lightning quick upon hearing that suggestion. =P

 

Later, we entered Parkson, and that's when I accepted a dare from Ing Thian to try on whatever outfit they chose for me. You see, the guys complained that they didn't get to see the full effect 'cause I wasn't wearing a nice top to go with that miniskirt. In fact, I was wearing the SMKJA PJK tee. Not the sexiest and most figure-flattering of all outfits. =P

 

So here's the part where I find myself in a fitting room, decked out in a miniskirt shorter than the one before, matched with a superb top with a price so high that I would never even dream of getting it. Suffice to say, it was phee-whit inducing. Here's also the part where I show myself to Charmaine, Elaine and the guys and they all express their approval, videotape me walking out of the dressing room and threaten to let the world see it. Here's also the part where I close the door again and hear them talking "among themselves" about the fact that if I dressed like that, droves of guys would flock around me every time I stepped out of the house.

 

All we need are some heeled boots and that'll complete the image. (Teck Ang, may I remind you that I lack long, sexy legs plus the miraculous endurance for heels as well, so erm, it doesn't make a difference. xD)

Haha, taken by Eddie, perhaps. (Eddie, if you're reading this, please don't puke. =P)

 

The thing is, these guys don't see me outside school, wearing stuff other than my school pinafore. That's why it doesn't come naturally to them to imagine me in a dress/skirt. I suppose I'm not the most conventional or fashion conscious or gorgeous of all people, either, so I don't blame them for their apparent naivete. =P I suppose they haven't seen me dancing either. Hahaha.

 

In conclusion, I went home and got a haircut. Lol.

It's that time of the year again. Almost, anyway. In less than fourteen days, I'll be having my first mid-term exam.

 

Statistics show that I'll do very badly for it. It's been like that for the past 4 years. Every single time, without fail. My grades would suck like nobody's business for my first mid-term, with my ranking somewhere between number 2 to number 5. I think it's 'cause I obey the law of momentum. My grades creep back up into full-form during first-sems and hold down the fort until the year end. Usually, that is. But hey, they say statistics lie, right? =P

 

Oh, and I remember : The humiliation I feel for my first mid-term results drives me to be very kiasu for the next few exams. XD I suppose that's real motivation. Haha.

 

I'm studying hard now. Very hard. Hard enough to write parts of a story in between as well. =P Form 5. VIP (Very Important Peperiksaan). No more fooling around. So here goes, Add Maths chapter...

 

I think my enthusiasm just fizzled out. XD

James

 

I miss her. I miss the way she lights up my life with her antics. I cannot help myself. I'll never forgive myself for hurting her, to keep her away from me. And father. Why did it have to be her? Anyone else, just not her. My heart sours as I recall how devastated she looked. Guilty as charged, I suppose. A part of me yearns to believe that she never meant to harm father's political campaign. My heart tells me so, but father claims otherwise. And father's always right.

 

I feel dead inside. I need her. I want her. I love her. Yes, no doubt about it. I am in love with a girl I cannot have, and I am with another girl - a girl I think I love. I have no desire to hurt either, and that, should be love enough. But if I truly search my own desires, I know who I'd rather be with. The one unattainable. Unattainable for ties of loyalty.

 

But no. I must protect father, whatever the cost. Whatever. The. Cost.

 

***

 

I trudged down the hallway, unconsciously hoping to catch just a glimpse of her. Every nerve in me willed me to apologize, to see that forgiving smile etched across her face again. My heart was so heavy that I felt my legs turn to lead. The damage I'd done was irreparable. She would never forgive me again. Maybe it was best that things were left as they were. Maybe that throbbing ache I felt would gradually numb. After all, time heals all things.

 

I opened my locker unseeingly, mechanically. Everything was routine. A routine meaningless, now that she was out of my life.

 

A movement caught my eye. I blinked and focused.

 

And screamed. And slammed the locker door shut. I found my hands trembling, sweat forming profusely on my forehead. There was a sudden silence all around, and I could feel a hundred pairs of eyes burning into my back.

 

After what seemed like an eternity, I ran.

 

***

 

I slumped against the wall of the toilet cubicle, trying to steady my ragged breaths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And only she could have engineered this plan. A dark, gloomy cloud hung over my head. So this was how far it had gone. I didn't feel angry at her. I deserved it. I wanted to punish myself.

 

I deserved it.

'Where's James?'

 

'I don't know. Am I supposed to know?' I shot Marshall a defensive glare, startled at how bitter I sounded. No, I wasn't bitter. I had no reason to be. Right?

 

'Chill. I was just asking.' So he'd noticed how curt my reply was. He eased into a chair opposite mine and looked at me quizzically.

 

'Is there something wrong?'

 

'No. I'm perfectly fine. What's up?'

 

'You don't seem fine. For one thing, you haven't smiled once since I appeared, and you're obviously distracted by something. James?'

 

He received another murderously dark look from me. Marshall could be impossibly irritating at times, especially when it involved James. And whenever he teased, I flared up. For some reason. Maybe it was because I sensed that Marshall resented James for getting the most of my attention, and I didn't like my priorities being questioned.

 

'He's not my boyfriend. Why do you expect me to know where he is, as if he's supposed to be a permanent fixture by my side?'

 

'Someone's getting sensitive.'

 

I sighed inaudibly. He was right. Not that I was going to admit it, but I was conscious of how irrationally I was reacting. I sat there silently, not bothering to reply. As much as I tried to convince myself that Marshall started it, I knew I was in a foul mood and he was the innocent party.

 

'You know, I really don't think this is the best time to bring this up, but since I'm here already, I might as well find out. Who's that new girl James was hanging out with the other day in town? She's not from our academy, is she?'

 

'You mean Angela? No. James met her...somewhere else.'

 

As those words left my mouth, I found myself wondering once again where, how and when they even met. Weirdly enough, James hadn't said a single word about it. This was so unlike him - but then again, he'd been acting up lately. A few weeks ago, he would have shared everything with me - his dreams, his thoughts, his opinions. A few weeks ago, he would have still been my best friend. The news that he was dating Angela came rather suddenly through the grapevine, and I felt like I had been left out in the dark intentionally. Like he didn't want to tell me anything anymore. Like I wasn't close enough to be trusted. No. James wasn't like that. I didn't want to jump to such disturbing conclusions. I immediately pushed those unpleasant thoughts out of my mind.

 

'She's hot.'

 

I grinned half-heartedly in response. Guys. Every other girl was hot anyway. My thoughts wandered further. Why was he acting so evasive? As if he was afraid of being seen with me. I recalled how he'd excused himself hastily in the past few weeks every time I approached him to talk. And that look he gave me. That almost disdainful expression in his eyes. Those big, brown eyes of his that never lied. It couldn't be, could it? I'm just imagining things. I'm just being paranoid.

 

And Angela. Somehow, the thought of them together made me sick. I couldn't imagine James, my James ever belonging to anyone else, but now it was so. Angela was sweet, pretty and everything a girl could ever hope to be. Then why did I feel so bad about it? What reason did I have for feeling this way? She was good for him. So why did I feel my stomach sinking?

 

Why was Marshall- I suddenly realized that he was still there and that I'd drifted. He'd been scrutinizing my expression intently for the past few minutes. I cleared my throat to break the uncomfortable silence. Marshall was still looking at me queerly. Apologetically, in fact. But why apologetically? It wasn't as if he'd said anything wrong. If I deserved an apology or at least, an explanation from anyone, it would be from James. He was the one acting like a...like a...jerk. Jerk. I swallowed hard as that word echoed in my mind. I never thought I'd see the day when "James" and "jerk" would be found in the same sentence. A sentence formed by, of all people, me. His best friend. Once, anyway.

 

'Anyway, I always thought you two were in love. Really. The way he looks at you-'

 

I liked neither the direction the conversation was going in, nor the inexplicably unpleasant emotions surfacing as a result.

 

'Hey, I have to go complete an assignment. Catch you later, okay?'

 

I flashed him my brightest smile and left the library, feeling his eyes on me with every step I took.

 

***

 

Stunned speechless by those stinging words, I could only stare at him. Who was he? Why didn't I know him anymore? Was this the very same James who'd been my best friend all these years? I struggled to regain my composure. The hurt I felt must have registered on my face, because the next thing I knew, he smirked.

 

He smirked.

 

As if I wasn't devastated enough already. I didn't trust myself to speak, and he didn't allow me to, anyway. Turning on his heels, he slammed the door after himself, the blast reverberating around the room, ringing in my ears, suffocating my heart.

 

Anger. That was the next thing I remembered. Anger and hurt, fueling my energy. I was too angry to cry, too humiliated to retreat. How dare he. How dare he! I didn't do anything to deserve this! Fine. Two could play this little game.

 

And I knew exactly how to hurt him, to wipe that cocky smirk off his face.

It's Valentine's Day today, so I'll just post something more romantic. =P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a more dreary note, I can't even write like that anymore. This was written around a month or two ago. I guess my english's deteriorating badly. I can only use the simplest of words nowadays, and my style is seriously dulling. I don't even like the way I write nowadays. It's so staccato-ish...it doesn't have the smoothness I used to write with.

 

Ah, whatever. =P As long as my sentences are coherent and understood, it's fine with me - for now. XD

"You're doing it again. Stop it! Just...stop it. We have to talk. Now."

 

I could read the frustration and anger in his voice. He stopped pacing around and looked straight at me, his flaming eyes boring through mine. I froze, my hand on the doorknob. I was so choked up and disorientated that I could barely speak, my tears blurring my vision.

 

"Don't run away. You always do that. Please. I...I love you. But that doesn't mean you can keep on doing things I don't understand. I want to know why. Help me understand. Please."

 

"Not now."

 

I swiftly left before he could say another word, before he could wring my heart anymore with that voice of his - that voice that I loved so much. I needed to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my overwhelming emotions. Time. Yes, I needed time. Alone. Desperately.

 

Why? Will he trust me anymore? It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. Did I do something wrong? Where did I go wrong? I love him. I love him. I love him. He's hurt. I can't bear to see him like this. I don't want to lose him. My incoherent, disorganized thoughts merged into a confusing mixture of whys, whats and hows. I tried to understand and organize my own emotions, but to no avail. Curled up miserably in the corner of my bedroom, I shed some more silent tears and whimpered into my pillow soundlessly. So tired. So exhausted...

 

The phone rang, jolting me up with a start. When did I fall asleep? I was suddenly aware of how fatigued I felt. The phone was still ringing jarringly. Dread enveloped me as I recalled the confrontation - if he was calling, I didn't want to pick up. Yet I wanted to pick up just to hear his voice. I missed him. So, so badly. However, I wasn't ready to face him yet. Fear wrestled with the black hole that was once my heart. The phone finally stopped ringing, and I breathed again. No, not now. I was still incoherent. I had reasons for my actions, but I could not express them. The words just wouldn't come to me.

 

It would take some time for me to recover. But I missed him. So much. The ache gnawed at my heart, nibbling away at what was left of it. I knew it was there to stay for awhile. Until I made things right again. Until I had the courage to explain my guiltless motives. But he wouldn't understand - not now. Not with the odds stacked up against me. It wasn't the right time. Desperation and depression clawed at me, pulling me both ways. I needed to do something, anything to get this burden off my chest- but I was afraid of worsening the situation with my incoherency. I had to wait this out. Yes, time. I needed time.

 

And time, was precisely what I didn't have.

 

 

...Why?

 

 

 

...Why? You're my best friend meh? =P

 

 

Sing Kock? Hey, I like him up to this day! xD

 

 

 

 

 

 

*no comment*

 

 

Did I ever say I've never really liked anyone before? *grin*

 

 

{End of conversation}

 

Believe what you will. xD Valentine's Day brings up some very interesting topics, I guess. =P

Super-ego. The faculty that seeks to police what it deems unacceptable.

 

It seems like I have a little too much of that. A lot of things left unsaid, a lot of feelings repressed, a lot of emotions on a subconscious level. And I don't even know what's going on on the subconscious level. xD

 

Hmm. I wonder if it's healthy. But others get the benefit anyway. If I didn't have enough self-control, A.P. (Arrogance Personified) might have gotten a beautifully cruel tongue-lashing today. This is a side I normally repress. The sarcastic streak that I allow to run free during debate only. Even then, it's diluted. I dilute and censor spiteful comments automatically. They usually never make it out of my mouth - at least not to the person directly involved. I always try to be nice, okay? Really trying very hard. xP

 

I mentioned something about being sarcastic to Claire once, and she was skeptical, i.e. "You're sarcastic? You obviously don't know what sarcasm is, then." Yes, I know I'm not sarcastic - at least, I don't show I am. Because sarcasm hurts and antagonizes, most of the time. Letting my sarcasm show is an overly-impulsive act to me, because it's never worth it, after all is said and done. Plus, it's NOT NICE. =P I feel really bad whenever I allow something really ouchifying to come out.

 

Lol. My sarcastic streak can't help itself sometimes, so I let out my comments to like-minded people. Or maybe it isn't even SARCASM after all, it's just plain rational thinking. Come on, if you're saying something mind-blowingly ding dong bell and creating a ruckus, it's difficult to resist shutting you up with a witty yet oh-so-true comment. XD Like Teck Ang said Edward said, light travels faster than sound. That's why some people APPEAR to be bright...until they speak. =P

 

But let's keep everything on a professional and factual level. No personal attacks. I will not stoop to meet you at your level (which happens to be the level lower than the scum of the pond, according to Finding Nemo) if you make any personal attacks. Besides, when it boils down to personal attacks, we'd be missing the point of the whole argument already. Personal attacks are so not.

 

Some things had better be kept to oneself if harmony is to prevail. xD

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how to pace yourself, and you deal well with stress. You are reserved and not very outgoing. You are deeply thoughtful and introspective. You have a lot of control over your actions and emotions. You are very detail oriented and meticulous. You are a careful thinker and a true intellectual. You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

So, yeah. Reunion dinner.

 

My bro brought along his homework, not surprisingly. I didn't bring along mine (as I usually do), and maybe I regretted that a little bit. =P

 

Reunion dinner, where I reunite with my long lost cousins who are around 4-10 (?) years older than me. Oh, and my previously smart-alecky younger cousin whom I've learnt to tolerate just...this year, I think. It's just ah-may-zing how much growing up a person can do in one year. xD I usually ignore him for fear of getting into an immature argument and flying off the handle in the process. *smiles sweetly* Ah, the good ol' days. Haha.

 

Anyway, about reference books and long neglected homework. *ahem*

 

See, when the adults congregate, they talk. They talk about the weather, family, children *AHEM!*, current issues, yadi yada.

 

That's okay, really. I've been trained to talk (and listen) to adults from a very young age. They do talk about interesting things. =)

 

Except that, they prefer to speak in HOKKIEN. I can't for the life of me understand why, 'cause my mum's family is foochow. Not that I prefer foochow. Horror of horrors, I can't even understand a word of foochow! My hokkien is slightly better. I can hazard guesses, see? (Hello, uh, I can understand mandarin perfectly. Can we please speak in mandarin? =P)

 

Like when my aunt asked me insert-something-unintelligible-here tak chek, it didn't take a rocket scientist to guess that she was asking what form I was in, so I smiled and answered "Form 5".

 

Phew. I passed that level!

 

Only she decided to go on in Hokkien some more. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When my older cuzzy saw the dilemma I was in, she laughed and told that aunt that I couldn't understand hokkien. Oh, the humiliation. Lol.

 

 

Hokkien is the only dialect I ever attempted to pick up. I don't know why, hokkien just seemed nicer to me than all the other dialects, even my own hakka/foochow heritage. In fact, in primary school, I asked my (then) best friend to teach me a few phrases. Hey, I can remember a few of them to this day! Like zhang ek (take a bath), jiak peng (eat rice), lu (you), wa (I)...May, you're so brilliant! Ah, words cannot describe how proud I am of myself. xD

 

I think I picked up a few bad words unintentionally too. Inevitable, when you're surrounded by schoolmates whose hokkien vocab seems to be mainly made up of bad words. =P

 

So, being me, I decided to be content with whatever I knew already. I really wouldn't like to be spitting out foul words unwittingly. Ah, well. =P

"Who is going to college after form five?"

 

Virtually the whole class raised their hands.

 

Me excluded.

 

"Who is going to form six?"

 

A grand total of two persons raised their hands.

 

Me included.

 

"Teacher, it's not like we want to go to form six. We don't have a choice."

 

What to do? My parents don't want to spoil me. xD