It's the last day of the year today.

 

I'm not wishing anyone a happy new year for the simple reason that I'm not happy it's the new year for the simple reason that I'm having my SPM this year, and that equates suffering. How can I be happy?! I cannot tell a lie!

 

Alright, fine, if it makes you happy, I'll wish you a happy new year. xD

 

On a different note, Nisha may seem distracted ALL the time, but she's actually more observant than I myself am. Right, that wasn't a very suitable benchmark, since I'm the utterly blur type. Hmm. Examples would suffice, I guess.

 

 

Oh my goodness, am I that obvious?!

 

Okay, never mind. I'm very emo now. Still doesn't feel like a happy new year to me. Someone please knock me on the head and make me happy in a dazed state. I feel whiny. Like there's nothing to look forward to and life has no meaning.

 

[Maia : CUT THE FANTASTIC MELODRAMA, MAY.]

 

I mean, seriously, the thought of having to join co-curricular activities just KILLS me. Why join, you ask. VERY GOOD QUESTION. Because the vain hope of getting some scholarship at the end of it all continues to linger on despite my pessimism and skepticism.

 

I. Hate. Politics. Of. Any. Kind. Including. Those. That. Have. To. Do. With. Co-curricular. Activities.

 

I hate marching too, just for the record. Pointless, in my maybe-not-so-humble opinion. I can't believe I actually advocated co-curricular activities three years ago.

 

Oooh la la, I sound so bitchy now. Yeah yeah, mood swings. Stupid. Will sign off for now in case someone's head gets bitten off by accident if I continue rambling. =P

To a friend who's handsome, sweet, sensitive, blur, unique, mysterious, and exasperatingly flirtatious.

 

You're leaving tonight, and I won't be seeing you for a long time. Here's a tribute to your memory. =)

 

To half-finished sentences, over-shooting the budget when it comes to buying gifts for friends (LOL), living in your amazingly complex world of myths and fantasies, caring for your mum, and those frustratingly innocent, big eyes when you're guilty of a charge. xD

 

Your incredible line : Me? Flirt? Preposterous!

 

Even though you always found it so hard to let your defenses down, you cared a lot for others, and it didn't go unnoticed. In fact, you're a master manipulator when it comes to conversations - somehow, the other always ends up talking about themselves even if the question was originally directed at YOU, NO?

 

Very. Very. Very. Exasperating. Haha.

 

I still remember you telling me that you hated me when I asked you if you did. xD

 

Don't worry, I never believed it. XP

 

Hon, Hon, a charmer who never failed to turn heads (even in tuition, I heard?), particularly those of the female species. Tsk tsk tsk. Outrageous. I mean, even Amy once said that if you were her boyfriend, she'd want to take you out every day so that the world could see what a handsome dude you were. Lol. For goodness' sakes, even your surname sounds like an endearing term. Bryan. Bryan Hon. xD

 

Anyway, thanks for being my friend - a friend who always had a witty line, a sensitive soul, a lousy internet connection...=P

 

I will forget you not. =)

Whoah! Another year has almost ended. I learnt so, so, so, so, so many things in this past year - topping the list is the undeniable fact that I failed all the resolutions I made earlier on.

 

Oh, well. Some things never change? =P

 

So, I've finally learnt from my mistakes...and in order not to repeat them, I've decided NOT to make any resolutions for next year. What a recipe for success! Sometimes, my smartness surpasses and amazes even myself. Lol.

 

Anyway, down to the top ten things I've learnt besides that very discouraging fact. I was comforting myself earlier on, if you didn't notice. xP

 

#1 Planning to study and actually studying are goals as near to each other as Andromeda is to the Milky Way, and neither angels nor powers nor principalities shall convince me otherwise.

#2 Pray hard when it's exam time, if the above rings true faithfully. =P

#3 When you tell others that you'd rather do away with the tradition of wedding dinners, get ready to be sabotaged by friends who insist they want to karaoke/make a speech at your wedding dinner, and therefore you HAVE to have one. Next time, I'll just keep my mouth shut. =P

#4 Oh, and they'll also call you NUTS. Thanks, guys. xD

#5 David's actually quite a nice guy. I mean it! LOL!

#6 Don't smile too much. If you do, when you don't, Claire will tell you to chill, and Esther will say that there's something amiss.

#7 Moral is more fun than EST. (Because I can't get highest for EST, but I can for Moral. xP)

#8 Never make friends with older people, because they'll just leave you a lonely soul when they go off. U_u

#9 Second thought : DON'T MAKE FRIENDS AT ALL.

#10 Hermits have great lives. Muahahaha.

 

 

ENTP:   Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

INTP:   Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

INTJ:  Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

ENFJ:   God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

ENFP:   God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird - ing at a time.

INFP:   God, help me to finish everything I sta

INFJ:   Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?)

ESFJ:  God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

ESFP:   God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ISFP:   Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ISFJ:   Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ESTJ:   God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask!

ESTP:   God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ISTP:   God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ISTJ:   Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 am e.s.t.

ENTJ:   Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

 

Amen.

Sherene's "Conversations with May". (Just in case anyone's deluded about my saintlihood. =p)

 

Eddie's sanity. XD I can't even remember a time when he was so sane.

 

Another one of Eddie's apparently insane notions manifested in the form of sanity. Lol.

 

Oh, and Sonia's take on fashion and cursing? (Uh, no, the two aren't correlated.) Entertaining. =D

 

 

I don't like addictions, and that's why I stay away from anything potentially addictive.

 

I used to be attached to many things - school life, co-curricular activities, friends, the phone...Until I realized how much leverage that gave my mum in grounding me. I realized that the only way not to feel the pain of being grounded was to be nonchalant about the whole thing, and the only way that could be accomplished, was to detach myself from it all. Lol. Pretty good, if not cunningly defiant scheme, huh? (background : passive-aggressive, passive-aggressive)

 

So, I began detaching myself. One by one, the aforementioned stuff began to lose their hold on me. I became so dispassionate that I wondered what exactly defined me - I didn't feel strongly enough about anything to fight for it. Oh, and don't underestimate my mum - she DID ground me from going to SCHOOL once...around 5 years ago?

 

I screamed (figuratively speaking) blue murder then. Then. Now, I would just shrug it off and be glad that I don't even have to go to school. xD It's frustrating to want to frustrate someone, yet not get the desired effect. That, I know full-well. =P

 

 

But, when I got grounded (all forms of communication cut off) three days ago, that stung. Must be the hormones or something. Or maybe I just miss my friends too much. =)

 

Why do I even bother getting attached when it's going to hurt so much? You guys better know how much you're worth. Blah. =P

We Yaps break a lot of things.

 

We break saucers, cups and plates. We break hearts. So far, I've broken Nisha's, Amy's, Phoebe's and Rachelle's.=P Esther broke mine. *gulp*

 

And we also break conventions. Lol. It's Christmastime now, and for the past 5 years or so, we haven't had a single Christmas tree. The last Christmas "tree" we had was around 6 years ago, and that, my mum fashioned out of wire and tinsel. It was gorgeous, to say the least. =) Never had a real, green Christmas pine before in my entire life - as far as I can remember, that is.

 

Alright, we were never big on decorations. Not even during Chinese New Year. On the surface, we don't even seem to be celebrating anything. Lol. Our house is neat (sometimes, anyway) and homely (and has a nice colour scheme), but it just isn't what you'd call decorated. Practicality always comes first, and our motto is : the more decorations you have in the house, the more dust they'd collect. xD

 

This year, guess what our Christmas "tree" is.

 

...Guess. I mean it.

 

Our pretty, flowery wrought iron window grills.

 

We actually strung up christmas lights and hung goodies around them. I am so not kidding.

 

 

They say

The eyes are the window

to the soul

So hold

my gaze longer

Look beyond

Beyond.

 

Look

Listen

You can read my thoughts

racing

to the beat of my heart

 

The loneliness

Sets in

Killing me again

and again.

 

I break the gaze

And blindly turn to run

Until you come,

pull me closer

And whisper,

"I know."

 

I know.

I was sorting through my thousands and millions of (reference) books the other day when I came across my previous two journals.

 

Heh. Before I go on, I would like to thank Cikgu Daniel, of all people, for the existence of my journals. I remember waaaay back in Form 1, - when we had to endure classes in the hot and humid weather, through our drooping eyelids and equally stimulated minds - Cikgu Daniel gave me cause for grief, because he wanted us to write a diary as homework. A DIARY! A DIARY!!!

 

You know, if I ever had a diary, I wouldn't let a TEACHER read it. But, being the uber-guai kia I was (past tense, past tense), I faithfully jotted down stuff every single day. I still remember one incident when I thought my life was too boring, so I made up stuff to write...more fun wad! And when I casually mentioned it to dad, he told me not to lie and so I went back and erased all that fanciful stuff and retraced my REAL activities...around two weeks worth of it. =S

 

 

Anyway, I came across the exercise book-cum-diary one day and read it again. And I realized how much fun I had reading it, even though I held a secret grudge against Cikgu Daniel for giving me perpetual homework, which I was obligated to complete, and the fact that 80% of the class NEVER bothered to complete it (and got away scot-free!) just fueled my complaints.

 

So, I started writing a journal of my own. I wrote. And wrote. And wrote.

 

It's addictive - I'm writing my third journal in four years now. The nicest part is, I get to relive memories I might have long forgotten if not for the power of the pen. My handwriting has shifted shape around 10 times from three years ago till now, and so has my writing style. I suppose going through my previous blog entries has the same effect on me...I cringe when I see the way I talked and thought one or two years ago. Oh, I've had my flights of kawaii-ness (seriously!), smart alecky comments, too-bubbly-to-be-true spirits, and one thing I distinctly remember - I tried my best to steer clear of any negative emotions while writing.

 

I couldn't accept that part of me, because I knew that one day I would look back and realize how immature I was to feel a certain way about something. But, on hindsight, I wondered why I even allowed my inner adult to despise my inner child. I feel a tinge of irony as I reflect on how it's pretty immature to attempt to act mature when you AREN'T even halfway there, and no one expects you to be, anyway.

 

My entries nowadays deal more with how I feel, and I don't mind that much about seeming immature anymore. I realize that emotions aren't just to wreck havoc on our soul and actions - they make us human. Unique, distinctly one-of-a-kind.

 

No one's going to read my journals anyway. Please DON'T scroll through my entries from last year and the year before. =P Jin paiseh.  

 

Oh, and thanks again, Cikgu Daniel. =)

Just the other day, I declared to Sidney that I would not drag my future significant other shopping with me.

 

Poor Sidney. He's been hearing a lot of my theories lately, like how I'd do away with wedding dinners and other similarly crazy stuff. Anyway, back to that shopping philosophy. 

 

Those of you who've read my blog long enough, you'd know that "shopping" and "May" aren't usually found together in the same sentence. But Sidney doesn't read my blog, and he's still a rather new acquaintance. So, he replied that guys would usually follow their girlfriends out shopping. Ya noe, to carry the shopping bags and stuff...Sidney was brought up a gentleman. =P

 

Anyway, my cue to start expounding on my oh-so-cheem philosophy of why I would NOT bring a guy out shopping with me.

Firstly, I don't shop at will. =P In other words, that guy's supposed to carry the shopping bags and stuff, but in my case, he'd probably be redundant for lack of any. Enough said about the "carrying shopping bags" reason. Even if there were, I highly doubt there'd be more than ONE, which I myself would have no problem carrying.

 

To this, Sidney mentioned that I'm the kind of girl boys would call "picky", or "shop with their eyes only". Amy once said that she kind of understands why I act like that, but she prefers NOT to understand why.

 

Lol. Come to think of it, not even girlfriends have gone on serious shopping trips with me. Nat's the only guy so far who's seen me really shopping, and that's because I happened to bump into him at the exact same time and place in KL, and so he accompanied me around. There's a reason I'm a lone ranger when I need to shop. Rene would be able to tell you exactly why, since she usually follows me around (it's either me and clothes or mum and pans, so she doesn't have much of a choice). The fact is, I'm usually so focussed that I tend to zero in on the hunt and block out other distractions. I don't like people slowing me down, because I move very quickly and flit from place to place instead of lingering here and there. That's when I NEED to buy something specific.

 

Bad date. XD

 

So you see why shopping with me is a lousy idea; he'd be talking, I'd be distracted, he'd be disinterested, I'd be guilty of neglect. Shopping is a task (hey, I enjoy housechores wad), not a leisurely activity for me. Leisurely activities like walking and talking are devoid of shopping and/or other distractions.

 

Oh, I do enjoy shopping, just that the enjoyment dies right the moment the drive dies, which is when I make my purchase. And there can be no enjoyment if there's no need in the first place. Sidney exclaimed that I'm possibly the only girl who doesn't shop, to which I retorted, "Nono. I do - with my eyes only."

 

 Sometimes I wonder if I drive my readers up the wall with all my radical theories. Lol.

I am so attractive that I get dinner dates all the time.

 

 

 

So far, I don't have any allergies (besides Add Maths) to speak of. According to myself, I have the strongest immune system in my family. (That's why I slack when it comes to taking my vitamins daily.) I hardly ever get seriously sick.

 

My one genetically inherited physical weakness (hitherto known, that is) is my attractiveness to flying, biting things.

 

So unfair! I seriously don't understand why I'm so tasty to mosquitoes. Wonder if it's something in my blood...As far as I know, I don't have body odour, or at least, none strong enough for the average human nose to pick up on.

 

Stupid mosquitoes. =P

 

But, looking on the bright side, at least I'm attractive. Even if it's to certain species of insects. For crying out loud! XD

As far as I remember, you never wanted to celebrate your birthday. Or maybe you did, but you knew that we'd never know how to celebrate your birthday.

 

I think I'm somewhat like you, even if I resemble dad 70% of the time. Haha.

 

The perpetual correcting of my grammar when I was younger (I developed that habit too), the way you'd go out of your way to do things just to make us happy, the way your perfectionism warranted perfectly planned meals and non-monotonous diets (no wonder I can't eat outside food. =P), the way you did everything without a word of complaint or demand of recognition, or at least until we go over the edge in our demands - that was how you loved us.

 

The witty repartee we get to watch when dad says something out of line. xD And the way we gang up on him when he starts on that "Physics and Add Maths are very important" lecture of his, because we're both made of the same stuff - allergic to those subjects.

 

The way we'd both correct Rene's grammar in unison, and laugh because we're habitually inclined to do just that.

 

The way you'd maintain perfect composure even while teasing, the way you'd win the hearts of your students and made many a life better by getting personally involved in their social conditions.

 

The way you cared more about my health/mosquito bites/sandfly bites/complexion more than I ever did myself.

 

The way you insist I take my vitamins and/or antihistamines even when I don't think it necessary. =.=

 

The way you'd carry on a conversation with us as if we were adults and treated us like equals (when your mood swings aren't possessing you, that is).

 

The way you'd have foresight and warn me about getting sunburnt, and the way I'd purposely ignore that because I hated applying lotion to my skin/carrying an umbrella, and the way you'd say "I told you so" and shoot me a disapproving look when I DO get sunburnt...

 

The way you'd say Rene and Ray speak their minds (causing discord), and that I'm the most dishonest because I have a mind of my own, but I don't speak it (for the sake of harmony). Hehe.

 

And the way you can't tahan my dreamy, detached absent-mindedness, just like dad. xD

 

Happy birthday, mum. And I love you too, even if I can't show it well enough. =)

While hosting high-ranking friends, former U.S President, Theodore Roosevelt, was fond of taking his guests on evening walks. Inevitably, he would point skywards and recite :

 

"That is the Spiral Galaxy of Andromeda. It is as large as our Milky Way. It is one of a hundred million galaxies. It is 2,500,000 light-years away. It consists of one hundred billion suns, many larger than our own sun."

 

Then, following a brief sentence, he would grin and say, "Now, I think we are small enough. Let's go in."

 

When something important is going on, silence is a lie.

 

History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.

 

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

 

It isn't always others who enslave us. Sometimes we let circumstances enslave us;sometimes we let routine enslave us; sometimes, with weak wills, we enslave ourselves.

 

If you burn the candle at both ends, you may not be as bright as you think.

 

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.

He reminisced, sitting alone in the comforting darkness, the cacophony dulling as his memory took him back a few months, weeks, mere days ago.

 

A faint smile played on his lips as he remembered how she would seemingly walk in and out of other people's lives, touching them and sprinkling drops of refreshing joy with her little acts of kindness. Her distracted gaze, always on the lookout for who knows what. She first captivated him with her inquisitiveness, prodding him to let her into places he'd never let anyone into. Unable to escape her charm for some odd reason, he found himself wondering more and more about her.

 

He helplessly watched her flit around, social butterfly-esque, unrestrained, untamed; she belonged to no one, and he could not bring himself to claim her. There were times he thought she paid him more attention than what would have been usual, but the very next day, uncertainty would strike again as she passed him by without much notice. Flustered, he took a back seat, and resolved not to make anymore clumsy moves. Secretly, however, he never stopped longing for the day he could comfort her by enveloping her in his embrace, catch her every emotion, feel her pulse beating.

 

***

 

She smiled wistfully as she curled up in bed, her thoughts allowed to run all over each other while she watched and listened, as might a casual observer.

 

Strangely, he was always appearing in her thoughts nowadays. She remembered the muted signals he gave out; the hints she tried to ignore. Somehow, though, she could never be sure about how he felt for her. Something inside her was stirring, but she didn't dare understand it. It was inexplicable. What was so different about this one? He intrigued her by his mysterious stoicism. Why didn't he fall for her charm right away, or at least show that he did? Not many could withstand her subtle manipulation. Uncanny.

 

Then again, she didn't use it on him. She didn't want him to fall for her - she knew that she would have to hurt him. Too many secrets, some a young girl should never have to hold. Too many duties and obligations. Why her?

 

Why him?

 

She sighed, hugging her bolster tightly to her chest to calm her rapid heartbeats. And fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I am powerful.

 

Powerful in ways no one can see or even detect. Subtly powerful, which may be the deadliest kind of power to possess. I feel the urge to manifest my power getting stronger, to show others what I am capable of doing. And yet, because of its subtle nature, no one will ever know. Not until it's too late.

 

Not until I get what I want.

 

And it is this very power I am afraid of. This urge to mercilessly employ my power. I once thought I had mastered it, until I realized who was the true master, and who was the servant.

 

 

Food.

 

Malaysian food.

 

I need not elaborate more. I can already easily imagine my readers salivating and wondering if I am going to, for the first time in my blogging history, write a food review. Uh, sorry lah, not your day today. Besides, there's a little more about the author of this blog and her personal views on food to delve into first.

 

While travelling, one of the (only) delights that Malaysia can safely boast is our - yes, you guessed it right - food. So krever. Unfortunately for me, I happen to lack something I shall dub "the food passion". To me, eating is more of a chore than anything else, and that, is not because I'm on a diet (albeit that's what I tell others to peeve them off in my [maybe not so] rare mischievous moods).

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly Malaysian and truly Chinese or not. xD

 

Joke aside (YES, THAT WAS A JOKE),I used to think that I was just another one of them picky eaters. Until I realized that I was still an unidentified case, as I didn't fit the criteria of being a picky eater. A picky eater...

 

#1 is a great food critic - whereas I won't even notice the difference between kangkong with oyster sauce and ginger fried kangkong. Does it even MATTER?!

#2 knows what he/she likes - I only know what I don't like, which pretty much encompasses everything Malaysia has to offer.

#3 is a food connoisseur - Burnt or raw or not cooked enough,  I can't tell. I'll just swallow. If I can't chew, spit it out. Easy.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate food. Food is tolerable (wow, first time you've ever seen this adjective used for food, eh?) as I am neither connoisseur nor critic. However, food is a drudgery to me, an obligation just to stay alive. How I wish I had more passion for food, since I have to eat on a daily basis. In case you were wondering, I try my best to like everything I have to do on a daily basis since I have to do it, and since I have to, I might as well enjoy it. Besides Add maths and food and a few other exceptions, I pretty much like whatever I have to do on a daily basis (including housechores and reading and well, onlining. =P).

 

But before I go off track. Ahem.

 

Being born in multi-cultural Malaysia only serves to torment me further, as my relatives would be chiding and pushing me to try out different kinds of food. Throw in the insignificant fact that I'm a small eater, and you have aunts and uncles wondering what disorder I could possibly be afflicted with.

 

After being fattened by two weeks on the other side of the South China Sea, I'm more than ready to get back to mum's home-cooking and Kuching food. Banish the thought of eating at another Chinese restaurant. I've more than my fair share of tofu and fish and chicken and AJINOMOTO.

 

Or maybe it's time I go on a diet...=P

 

Perhaps a holier option would be (to call that) fasting.

 

That's also why I never pick eating venues when out together with friends. The philosophy is, if I don't particularly fancy any type of food, I might as well let THEM choose, since they are more able to enjoy their favourite delicacies. Me? I can eat anything, but not necessarily LIKE anything.

 

In conclusion, I'm no fussy, picky eater. I'm just a confused banana.

 

 

Eh eh, speaking of bananas, BANANA SPLITS ARE ABSOLUTELY HEAVENLY! Chocolate and vanilla ice-cream mixed with split bananas...and I never thought I could savour ze banana's taste. =P

 

And I said I wouldn't give a food review (though quite a miserly one at that). Ah, well.