I am currently reading Changes That Heal by Dr Henry Cloud. Yeah, old book, I know. It's engaging all the same...this time, not because it's packed with suspense or romance, but because I feel bullets penetrating my heart as I read it. The gulping feeling you get when you know something is meant for you, aimed at you, or at least people like you.

 

After a lot of gulps and identifying, I came to terms with this realization - that a lot of my problems stemmed from emotional isolation. Funny, you've never heard of any problems that I've harped on, huh? Probably because I myself have denied the presence of these feelings for years. The only thing that sucks is, ridding myself of the awareness of these feelings isn't exactly ridding the feelings altogether.

 

When you fight something all your life, and find yourself on the losing end anyway, it's a very discouraging thing. I guess my defenses were built up from a very young age, when I decided that I would NOT allow anyone to affect my mood. That, in my legalistic mind, equated suppressing my feelings, or telling myself that my feelings were wrong. I have seen what intense feelings can cause people to do, and I have been a victim of irrational feelings. I vowed never to do the same to others. I fought my (in fact, it's humankind's ; The instinct to bond is a God-given attribute) basic instinct to need and be needed, and craved my independence.

 

Little did I know that I could not really love if I never truly experienced being loved. To my subconscious, love was something to be deserved. If I wasn't "good" enough, then I didn't earn it. There you have perfectly distorted thinking deeply rooted in me. I hardly ever let anyone close enough to be really vulnerable to them...or rather, I show different sides of myself to everyone, so they don't get the good, bad and ugly all in one. You beg to differ? Allow me to type out an extract from the book.

 

     "The only way some people can feel close to others is to take care of them. We don't think of a "caretaker", someone who is always putting other people's needs first, as someone who needs to be taken care of. Caretakers seem so strong. However, underneath many a caretaker's mask is a desperate need for relationship.

     One can only feel full when he or she brings the real self into relationship. Part of the real self is the needy self; if we are always giving and never receiving, we are denying part of who we truly are. So excessive caretaking may be a symptom of an inability to bond with others.

     Caretakers sometimes vicariously meet their needs by projecting them onto others instead of owning them themselves. These caregivers give not out of the fullness they have received, but out of need. We must be careful to own our own needs and not project them outward, where we cannot get them met."

 

When someone manages to wear down my defenses without my even knowing it, the initial feeling I get is one of anger. I feel like I've been violated. Of course, they don't know. =P There is something clearly wrong with the picture, right?

 

You see, nowadays I'm slightly better when it comes to relationships. I have good friends. I am rather independent (this one is a result of defiance more often that not). But there's still something lacking. It's because I haven't truly dealt with the root of my problem - the fact that I would not let myself be vulnerable to people. I still feel as though I have to be "good" and "nice", and I panic if others see a side of me which isn't so "good" and "nice". I still tell myself that my feelings are wrong.

 

I have to learn to be vulnerable first before I am capable of loving others. I have to risk giving others the opportunity to hurt me, and learn to accept freely given love without feeling obligated and guilty. Then only can I have satisfying relationships and be a whole person.

 

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?!

 

Necessary pain for necessary growth. Again. Now I can only close my eyes and hope that my friends won't be shocked at this psychotic confession.

My thoughts are scattered, bits and pieces everywhere, and I have many questions - questions with highly subjective answers. I can't stop the train of thought, and once the momentum sets in, who knows how long it will be before I get another good night's sleep.

 

Some say "be yourself". Some say "be socially acceptable", or in simpler terms, "go with the flow". Both are very obviously contradictory to each other, so which should we live our lives by? I think most would go for the former option. After all, we all want to assert our individuality. And they do say you can't please everyone, right?

 

The problem is, what if who you are isn't the best you can be? We live in a fallen world, we are fallen creatures. We know people who are difficult to get along with, not to mention we aren't exactly saints ourselves (although we'd love to think so). A lot of social skills are picked up - no, we weren't BORN with them, contrary to popular belief (or rather, excuses given). In order to be a better person, we learn to be gracious, kind and other good qualities. In short, we conform. We go with the flow. I don't think anyone'd actually opt to be a social misfit, no matter how they claim that they couldn't care less what others think of them. Let's be honest here, we all want to be liked and accepted. Good social skills come in the form of an added plus.

 

So where, and how do we draw the line between pleasing others and staying true to ourselves?

 

You bring out the best in me. The preceding sentence sounds hollower to my ears by the minute. After coming to the conclusion that people who bring out the worst in me do exist, I assumed that there MUST be some people who bring out the best in me as well. I stuck to that notion for a while, until a certain nagging thought in the recesses of my mind grew too annoying to ignore any longer.

 

We are all multi-faceted. With certain people, we show certain sides of ourselves. With our elders, we are respectful and deferential. Hardly the case with our siblings, I can safely say. With certain friends, we act a certain way. We humans are highly adaptable.

 

Let me present you with a hypothetical situation. P is a close friend of mine. I know she often backstabs others, but she doesn't do so in front of me. It is probably on account of the fact that I exhibited uneasiness during the rare, few times that she did. So, if she doesn't backstab others in front of me, does that mean I bring out the best in her? She probably still does, just that she doesn't show that side to me because she knows I don't like it.

 

Does believing the best in others really bring about change? Or are we merely turning a blind eye to their faults, and so long as they don't show them in front of us, everything's fine?

 

I, personally, am very sensitive to what others expect of me. If and when they do see something positive in me (which I didn't notice myself), I tend to become more and more like that (so you can imagine what I go through when the converse happens). In the same manner, the people I am closest to play the largest part in shaping my personality. I take what I like in them and try my best to ingrain those qualities in myself. For instance, Eddie shaped the wacky part of me. KM shaped the vocally affirmative part of me. Amy and Jwern (sorry, you guys have to share the glory) gave me APD. Apathetic Phlegmatic Disease. Nisha shaped the more "girl fun" *ahem* side of me. Many more I won't bother to jot down here, but who I am today is a result of trying to fit in. Harsh as it sounds, it is the blatant truth.

 

But I speak only for myself. When someone believes the best in me, I really change for the better - to what degree, that's another story. When I believe the best in others, do they really become better people? Or do they just feel obligated to show me a more perfect side of them, because they feel that I expect it? Take this example:

 

 

If that's the case, I don't think I know who my friends really are, because they are afraid of being rejected if they are less than perfect. No, that isn't bringing out the best in others. That's very superficial, in fact. I want to be able to accept my friends the way they are, not the way I think they should be. What's more, I want them to KNOW that I won't reject them so easily. I want to accept you along with your faults, and at the end of the day, still love having you as a friend. Nobody is perfect.

 

That said, does the best in you depend on the circumstances, or rather, the PEOPLE you are around? I heard an illustration the other day that went something like this :

 

If you kick over a bucket of acid, the acid will spill out and corrode the floor around it.

If you kick over a bucket of honey, the honey will spill out and sweeten the floor around it.

Does the kick determine what comes out of the bucket? It's what's ALREADY in the bucket that comes out.

 

However, speaking from experience, some people really do bring out the best in me. Some don't. I know it's no excuse for acting up, but...*sigh*

 

I think I'm overanalyzing this.

Dear God in heaven,

As I smile through my tears

I thank you for making me

Able to laugh at myself

Aware that You accept me

Just the way I am

Growing, whining, rough edges galore,

You love me all the same.

 

Though Lord, sometimes I sulk

because You know me so well

You know just how to bring me down

to my knees, onto solid ground

You know my every weakness

And prune them one by one

You don't even let me dwell in

and cherish my sin-filled fun!

 

I am sure You understand

It hurts real bad, You know

So I really can't help but to complain

Your ways are bruising my ego!

You showed me how my greatest strengths

can become the very converse

That once I stray and pride myself

A blessing becomes a curse.

 

Oh Lord, sometimes I really wish

You'd just give me a break.

I know it's all for the best

But Father...must give and take!

Yes, Lord, I understand

It's all for my own good

It all fits into Your great plan

I should, I could, so I would.

 

I am assured that You know me best

My every fibre and desire

You will not put your daughter beyond

Whatever she can endure.

And in the end, the saints will cheer

For I will be a finished work

Crafted by my awesome Maker

But ouch, the process HURT!

 

I anticipate the day I become thus vapid. xD

 

 

Bummer. Apparently, I'm on a different plane with everyone. Hehe. Awh, well. Maybe I should pick up some social skills proportional to my age.

 

Then again, I might be as vapid as what they want me to be, just that that's not a side I show often. Who knows, I might squeal about guys and fashion and gossip all the time, but only with certain friends...

 

 

There goes my vain hope. xD But maybe, just maybe, I have a chance. All I need to do is mix around with some girls who're crazy about guys, fashion and gossip and bitching...and someday, I'll finally fit in!

 

Oops. I might have tapped into some repressed teenage desires. xD

Wow. It's been a LOOOONG time since I got really angry at anyone. But I did, just yesterday. At a girl.

 

She's the insolent, enigmatic (put in a flattering way, that is. I would prefer "difficult".) and irrational type. That's not all. She loses her head over trivial matters, and drags others along to their doom as well. Please lah, if you have a problem, settle it yourself. There's no need to involve others in the process. I have nothing against involving others. It's just that the involvement can only hurt others, and I don't think it's right for so many people to suffer just because of one girl. She wants her way all the time, no give and take. And guess what? She gets angry when expected to face the consequences of her own stupid decisions! I mean, I'd understand if you got angry because of some stuff you don't deserve, but if you brought it upon yourself, you blame and hate others for turning you in?! Take responsibility lah! Whoa. The nerve. How much worse can a person get? Besides, she does dangerous things just for the thrill and rush of adrenaline. Haven't you a single thought for your loved ones? Are you crazy? No, you mightn't be, but you're definitely selfish. Yes, that would be the word that'd describe her best. Selfish. The world revolves around you and your emotions alone huh? HAR HAR. VERY FUNNY.

 

I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I really can't stand people like that. Don't know how Edward Cullen can, either. So there I was, feeling highly repulsed by Isabella Swan's character in New Moon and having no choice but to endure through a good 563 pages of her character. Makes one wonder if the author couldn't have picked someone more "heroine-like" to be the heroine. I used to think she was okay in Twilight, but in New Moon, her character seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Allow me to quote Charmaine, "Love is patient, love is blind."

 

Good one. =P Hey, uh, is this counted as gossip? I prefer to be labelled as a critic, just in case. xP Okay okay, books are just for reading, not for getting emotionally involved. Hahaha.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very deep phrase. Very true as well. All you have to do to ignite a person's insatiable curiosity is to tell them what they cannot/aren't allowed to do. I'm so not picking Amy as a victim the next time. I think I was the cat who got run over after that. Run over by her endless "Whyyyyyyy"s. All for an essay script I didn't want her to read. [Note to self :Never write on a subject not meant for her eyes again. =P] MEOWcoughcoughsplutterchokeouthairballdie.

 

Blah. First day back in school, and the exam papers come flooding back - a greeting as warm as the glaciers in the Artic. But I also got two novels from Eddie. *wide grin* Will be sleeping late tonight. Hehe.

 

Had Sing Kock and Evon picking a fight with me just because they saw the two novels. They think I have something against them because I read thick, thick novels. =P Tried to convince me to put down the novels for fear of my eyesight deteriorating. (I know you mean well, truly I do, but since I'm already myopic, might as well get even more myopic. Not that it'd make a difference, ya noe?)

 

Another random thought : I hate it when Eddie beats me at my own game (open to interpretation). Hmph. Blame my kiasu disposition. xD

 

Last minute presentations. Yeah. Have a History presentation this Wednesday, and being Amy and May, we promptly decided to do it on the last day of the holiday. Correction : Last night. Ended up with an incredibly sub-standard production, and the worst thing is, we're actually happy with it. It's not as if anyone's gonna be LISTENING anyway...my class didn't listen BEFORE the exam, what more AFTER the exam?!

 

I think I've hit rock bottom apathy. But I don't care either. =P

 

And I think I'm starting to sound like Rach in her very random posts. xD Oh, well. Variety IS the spice of life anyway.

Lord?

I may be stepping out of my line by saying this, but I need to tell you something that's been on my mind.

I don't like this verse:"My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" It doesn't sound like something you would say.

Usually I love it when you speak. I listen when you speak. I imagine the power of your voice, the thunder of your commands, the dynamism in your dictates.

That's what I love to hear.

Remember the creation song you sang into the soundless eternity? Ah, now that's you. That was the act of a God!

And when you ordained the waves to splash and they roared, when you declared that the stars be flung and they flew, when you proclaimed that life be alive and it all began?...Or the whisper of breath into the clay-caked Adam? That was you at your best. That's the way I like to hear you. That's the voice I love to hear.

That's why I don't like this verse. Is that really your voice? The voice which enflamed a bush, split a sea, and sent fire from heaven?

But this time, your voice is different.

Look at the sentence. There is a "why" at the beginning and a question mark at the end. You don't ask questions.

What happened to the exclamation point? That's your trademark. That's your signature closing. The mark as tall and strong as the words which precede it.

It's at the end of your command to Lazarus:"Come out!"

It's there as you exorcise the demons:"Go!"

It stands as courageously as you do as you walk on the waters and tell the followers:"Have courage!"

Your words deserve an exclamation point. They are the cymbal clash of the finale, the cannon shot of victory, the thunder of the conquering chariots.

Your verbs form canyons and ignite disciples. Speak, God! You are the exclamation point of life itself...

So, why the question mark hovering at the end of your words? Frail. Bent and bowed. Stooped as if weary. Would that you would straighten it. Stretch it. Make it stand tall.

And as long as I'm shooting straight with you - I don't like to see the word abandon, either. The source of life...abandoned? The giver of love...alone? The father of it all...isolated?

Come on. Surely you don't mean it. Could deity feel abandoned?

Could we change the sentence a bit? Not much. Just the verb.

How about challenge? "My God, my God, why did you challenge me?" Isn't that better? Now we can applaud. Now we can lift banners for your dedication. Now we can explain it to our children. It makes sense now. You see, that makes you a hero. A hero. History is full of heroes.

And who is a hero but someone who survives a challenge.

Or, if that's not acceptable, I have another one. Why not afflict? "My God, my God, why did you afflict me?" Yes, that's it. Now you are a martyr, taking a stand for truth. A patriot, pierced by evil. A noble soldier who took the sword all the way to the hilt; bloody and beaten, but victorious.

Afflicted is much better than abandoned. You are a martyr. Right up there with Patrick Henry and Abraham Lincoln.

You are God, Jesus! You couldn't be abandoned. You couldn't be left alone You couldn't be deserted in your most painful moment.

Abandonment. That is the punishment for a criminal. Abandonment. That is the suffering borne by the most evil. Abandonment. That's for the vile - not for you. Not you, the King of kings. Not you, the Beginning and the End. Not you, the One Unborn. After all, didn't John call you the Lamb of God?

What a name! That's who you are. The spotless, unblemished Lamb of God. I can hear John say the words. I can see him lift his eyes. I can see him smile and point at you and proclaim loud enough for all of Jordan to hear, "Behold, the Lamb of God...."

I sure do, God. It's one of my favourites. It's you.

What?

Hmmm, let me see if I remember. "Behold the Lamb of God who has come to take away the sins of the world." Is that it, God?
That's it. Think about what the Lamb of God came to do.

"Who has come to take away the sins of the world." Wait a minute. "To take away the sins..." I'd never thought about those words.

I'd read them, but never thought about them. I thought you just, I don't know, sent sin away. I thought you'd just stood in front of the mountains of our sins and told them to begone. Just like you did to the demons. Just like you did to the hypocrites in the temple.

I just thought you commanded the evil out. I never noticed that you took it out. It never occurred to me that you actually touched it - or worse still that it touched you.

That must have been a horrible moment. I know what it's like to be touched by sin. Remember what I used to be like? Before I knew you, I wallowed in that mire. I didn't just touch sin, I loved it. I drank it. I danced with it. I was in the middle of it.

But why am I telling you? You remember. You were the one who saw me. You were the one who found me. I was lonely. I was afraid. Remember? "Why? Why me? Why has all this hurt happened?"

I know it wasn't much of a question. It wasn't the right question. But it was all I knew to ask. You see, God, I felt so confused. So desolate. Sin will do that to you. Sin leaves you shipwrecked, orphaned, adrift. Sin leaves you aban-

Oh. Oh, my.

My, goodness, God. Is that what happened? You mean sin did the same to you that it did to me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't understand. You really were alone, weren't you?

Your question was real, wasn't it, Jesus? You really were afraid. You really were alone. Just like I was. Only, I deserved it. You didn't.

Forgive me, I spoke out of turn.

 

I'm in a very romantic mood today. That's why I'm going to post something romantic.

 

 

Sometimes, your best friend knows how to hit you just where it hurts. OUWWWWCH. On second thought, maybe I'm not feeling so romantic after all. xD

 

I know, my pragmatism can drive people crazy. Loco, I mean it. Just the other night, I was having fun bringing Charmaine back to reality. For goodness' sakes, she wanted to be Mrs Wang. Mrs Wang LEE HOM. Her second choice - Ashton Kutcher. Despite my telling her that Ashton preferred older women (Demi Moore is around TWO DECADES older than he is), she didn't mind. xD So between deciding whether Wang Lee Hom could still be a virgin if he wanted to date Serena of SHE and "He's mine", I decided to ask her opinion on romance. Yes, I am SUCH an opportunist. *snicker*

 

My opinion on romance didn't impress her one bit. Get the idea? xD (No, it did NOT involve champagne, roses, diamond rings, sunsets, lobster, martinis and the likes.)

 

But since I'm on that topic, why not quiz my dearest friends on my definition of romance? Hehehe. No fear, it's multiple choice. Only one question somemore, considering people's "Friend Test" usually have more than FIVE. You call yourself my friend, try answering this. [Note to Charmaine : You're disqualified. I told you the answer already. xD]

 

Pick May's definition of romance (bear with me please, girls LOVE to dream) :

 

a) Sharing an umbrella under the rain (and hot sun).

b) When I receive sweet notes from him at the most unexpected times. 

c) When he looks at me out of the corner of his eye and smiles shyly.

d) Holding hands, teasing and joking.

e) Praying together.

f) Phone calls "just because".

g) Whispered sweet nothings.

 

Aargh. Now I myself am having a hard time deciding. Lol. Alright, let's rephrase the question. Pick the best choice and comment (on) the answer you have chosen. XD

 

And I'll give the real answer in the next blog post. Oh, and I won't force you to marry me if you get it correct (and the same goes for the converse). xD 

I'm freaking everyone out. Hahaha.

 

 

 

It just hit me the other night that I've officially completed Form 4 education. Well, if you don't count the three quarters of differentiation and the last part of History that we have to cover after this holiday anyway. Time flies. I reflect on the past year. And my conclusion : I wouldn't call this year the happiest year of my life.

 

I would, however, deem this year the most stressing, emotionally draining, flustering, frustrating, depressing, and beautiful year of my life.

 

 

To me, beauty is seen in the pain, when your loved ones rise up to give you support when you need it most. One can only appreciate the painting of life if there are darker shades to complement the lighter ones, blending together to form a beautiful piece of art.

 

And I realize that God has been with me the whole way, never leaving nor forsaking me even when I tried to take things into my own hands. I guess He knew that I'd come running back once things went wrong, and sure enough, they did go wrong more often than not. I cannot comprehend the depth of His love, and I will never be able to.

 

I was forced to grow a little older this year. I don't have anything against growing older. I just dislike the painful process it takes. =P

I used to think that teaching went on one-way with my little tykes. xD But now I know better. After doing the same thing over and over again, the skill of listening can be honed. To what degree, that I wouldn't dare to gauge. Anyway...

 

 

Well. Yeah. Um.

 

I used to deal with cold, hard facts. Whenever the guys came ranting to me, I wouldn't be shy about my opinions.

 

 

But then, I realized one thing as I slowly grew up and situations became more and more complicated. Most of the time, there isn't only one solution to one problem. Life isn't that simple and clear-cut. Sometimes you can't do the best thing, so you do the next best thing, and maybe, just maybe, that could bring about an even better result than the best thing.

 

 

Being a "think-in-a-straight-line" kinda person, that took a long time for me to comprehend, and when I finally did, I began to lose confidence in my point of view. I knew I would not always be right, and I might just clip their wings if I stopped them from doing whatever they wanted to. Who knows, their way might be better. So I stopped telling them what to do.

 

Eddie : But I always rely on what you say. It always does me some good, if not a lot.

 

I prefer telling them what they WANT to hear now more often than what they NEED to hear. I know, this makes me less reliable and sometimes I find contradictory forces pulling me left and right. One moment, I tell them what they want to hear, and the next, I exhibit some uneasiness at agreeing with whatever they are saying. I have a favourite method of handling situations like these : Ask them questions. You see, people who rant aren't always oblivious. Sometimes, they know what's wrong and what they should do. They just need to let it out of their system.

 

Most importantly, they need to be heard. They need to let their emotions out as articulately as possible. For once, let's just ditch the rational part of it all, and listen to what they're saying. I myself love to rationalize out my feelings and to me, it's mind over matter. But I find that however I rationalize my feelings and however fast I get over them (and however stupid I feel afterwards), the feelings are still there. I just choose to ignore them. You could say I go through a lot of emotional denial. =P

 

 

Don't worry, that took place around two weeks ago. xD I'm over it already, and no, this isn't another case of emotional denial. =P

 

I find myself more patient and tolerant with my tykes now. No more dishing out cold, hard facts, although they probably respected me in the first place for my uncanny knack of not sparing them. Quoth KM : May, I need you to bash me up. Hehe. I feel there's a time for everything, and maybe it's best to be neutral about a lot of things. If they're really oblivious, I'll give them cold, hard facts. If they're just ranting their hearts out, they don't want advice. They want a listener. =)

 

 

xD

Dilemmas, dilemmas. Present dilemma : What should I do first, now that my exam's over? I know I've already done the first thing, which is to post this entry. It's just a figure of speech. xP

 

#1 Bathe the dog. She's been due for a week already. Exam exam exam, no time to even bathe my offie morphy. No fear, I do take baths.

 

#2 TIDY UP MY ROOM! It's such a unsightly....SIGHT! I'm already itching to throw out some stuff.

 

#3 Shopping. Birthday presents need to be purchased. *grin*

 

#4 Watch The Bourne Ultimatum. The day my family watched it, Amy was over for some group studying. Yeah, right. Like when Amy's over, we CAN do any studying at all. Needless to say, I had to wake up at 5 am the next morning to catch up on my Biology. Exam started at 7.05 am. I am such a pro in time management. xP

 

#5 Iron uniform, wash shoes...

 

#6 Read! I've been starved of books lately. No, not reference books. I've been overstuffed with that unappetizing, dry, ucky staple. Real books, please and thank you.

 

#7 Read the Bible as well. Maybe study for SPM Bible Knowledge as well. Hmm.

 

#8 Anything BUT go through my Add Maths Paper 2 with my dad. On second thought, maybe I will. Miracles can happen and wonders never cease, so you never know. =P

 

 

Ah, all my resolutions. Hopefully, they won't just STAY resolutions. Hehehe. Quoth Phoebe : Dear God, please don't let May become like the rest of us. 

 

Amen. Lol lol lol.

Add Maths, here I gone!

 

Yeah. Some things never change. xD Okay, lemme take a deep breath and enjoy my newfound freedom from the clutches of the bane of my existence.

 

And my dad will never understand how come I didn't inherit his genes when it comes to Add Maths and Physics. Another one of the mysteries of life that make up the beauty of it all. Lol. Now he wouldn't like to hear that, so shhh. =P

 

But anyway, since I'm on the topic of my dad...hehehehe. If there ever was one striking chip off the ol' block, say hello to mua. =) Isn't that hard to figure out, really. I mean, I talk so much...I had to get that gene from SOMEWHERE, right? I walk so fast, talk so fast, everything also fast fast. Must be West Malaysian style lah. xD

 

Except eat my food. Don't know why lah, but that one I do really slowly.

 

 

Lol. Me? Irritate? Oh, you must be mistaken.  I'm such an angel. xD [SILENCE, EDDIE. Don't you dare beg to differ. Muahahaha.]

 

Talking about irritating...I feel like irritating people now. HEHEHEHE. In a very hyper mood. After-effects of Add Maths trauma bah. Must resist the temptation to irritate people. May, bad girl. Don't go irritating people. Go sweet on them. xD Be nice. Be nice.

 

Okay. I'll be nice. =D

 

Yes I know. Where's all that intellect gone to? Don't ask me. I also don't know. I think I emptied out my brains this morning. xD

Nah. I'm not interested in discussing maths or physics here. =P

 

Recently, another amusing thing happened. This one had to do with people seeing Ms Tiong Ping in me, her "independent woman" side, at least. Woi, I want to get married, you know?! xD

 

Probably has to do with the image I unconsciously and consciously project. I personally think people pick up signals on the unconsciously projected image better, although I have no idea WHY. The key words here are "unconsciously" and "image" and "project". Okay, now where's the OBJECT? Here I am, this is me. There's nobody else I'd rather be. =P It's time to let the object speak for herself. u_U

 

Well, the general impression others have of me (according to certain sources) : Arrogant. Haolien. Sombong. Seriously, I would have preferred "nice" or "sweet" or "helpful", but I guess I'm just deluding myself. Hahaha. No Rach, NOT "CUTE"! xD Don't misinterpret my tone here, I'm not mad. I'm actually relieved; there are WORSE things they could have said about me. I'm feeling very neutral about it, because as you would have predicted by now, this isn't the first time I've heard something along those lines.

 

I would understand if they label me as confident, I certainly am. Arrogant, however, puzzles me. Arrogance, in my books, is manifested in the way one thinks one is better than others, and treats them accordingly. Confidence, on the other hand, is being secure in the knowledge of your weaknesses, strengths, AND the fact that God will never leave you, nor forsake you.

 

Arrogance cannot be equated with confidence, that's for sure.

 

As far as I know, I give others a lot of respect. I don't consciously pry into other people's personal matters unless they concern my closest friends. I always have this rose-spectacled view of people; in my opinion, people in general have good intentions. I don't think I'm any better than the girl next door. Then again, it all depends how you define "better"...better OFF?

 

Let's just add the fact that I know people are bound to envy top scorers, so I always try my best to bring myself down to their level. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't seem to change other people's perception of my being some superior being. I am no different from others. I have my hobbies, I have my aversions, and hey, I even hate add maths! I consciously try hard to dispel the preconceived notion that I am out of their league, but it seems that all my effort has gone in vain. I guess you can't really hide something such as confidence. It shows in the way you talk and the stuff you say...tada. Finish liao. Doesn't help if you're an insensitive person like me who only regrets what she says AFTER she says it. Stuff like "Man, I did so badly", and then when the results come back, relatively speaking, you're one of the highest. I'm learning fast not to open my mouth during exam time, because if I say I feel I did badly, I'll have to deal with those accusing looks (presumably)that come my way when I get my paper back and I didn't get an E on it. On the other hand, I can't say "This is easy" because my level of "easy" is probably going to be someone else's level of "hard". It's true that you can't please everybody. Oh well.

 

But there's nothing wrong with confidence, is there? It's not like I treat others like lower life forms due to my confidence.

 

Only under very special circumstances do I purposely will myself to intimidate. One such situation would be when dealing with people who act disrespectful around me. Hey, I don't demand deference - I believe in equality - but I will NOT stand for disrespect, especially if the offender is younger than I am. In the event I'm provoked, I usually draw myself to my full height (which isn't much, sadly), stick my hands on my hips and start with the "who do you think you are" lecture. Nope, I don't put the offender down. I merely elevate my status so that the offender would come to the desired conclusion by themselves. It works most of the time, except with some seriously oblivious people. Very, very rare cases. xP

 

Still, that isn't reason enough by itself to call me arrogant, because any logical person would know that the provoker was at fault (and being disrespectful, was probably arrogant). So we look to the alternate explanation - others are insecure.

 

You see, I don't find confident people arrogant (yes, not even you, David, to be honest =P), because of my own level of self-esteem. Those that disrespect others, yes, I find them arrogant, but so what, it's their problem, not mine. I find that those with a low self-esteem have a higher tendency to criticize and be spiteful. Mostly behind backs too. I don't have anything against Chinese-educated people, mind you, and objectively speaking, there is this general Chinese culture perception that everyone must be/act humble. Being humble is a great thing, make no mistake about that. But, I don't see the point in false humility and "humbleness" that seems more like insecurity than anything. If anything, people shouldn't be criticizing and judging if they're humble. True humility is nothing like that. I'd rather be confident than insecure and bogged down by feelings of inferiority any given day.

 

Hey wait, another thought-provoking thought : Is it possible to be humble and confident at the same time? xD

 

Hmm. Up to you to decide. Off to wash the dishes.

I was pleasantly surprised by a package delivered through Daddy this morning. KM's handwriting was scribbled on the envelope (Mr Yap, can you please help to pass this to May? Thank you.), just above some big, bold lettering : Recipient : May Yap Ai Quan ONLY. I opened it up to discover a binded book with a very very pretty cover design specially designed by Eddie. And then there was this note attached to it in his neat script.

 

 

 

 

 

My initial fantasies of whupping him smartly were overruled by the meltdown of my heart fuse. Broke the circuit of indignance in less than 0.01 seconds. You'd better thank your lucky stars, Dy. =P Haha. I was smiling the whole day through just because of this thoughtful, unexpected gesture.

 

For the sarcasm-challenged, I never fell for Eddie. He doesn't have a thing for me either. He just has this tendency to dream. xD That's now, at least. A few years back, I wouldn't know...ask him yourself. Hiak hiak. (sorry Dy, it's payback time. XD)

 

 

Lol lol lol!

 

I read an article yesterday that romantic guys do exist (ya noe, the sensitive type who'd always remember your birthday and compliment you on your dress), and good luck finding them next to the unicorns standing around the fountain of everlasting youth. Lol!

 

So Dy, either YOU don't exist, or I'm existing in an alternate universe. XD I just can't resist doing some guy-vertising for you. Girls, listen up. I have great taste in guys. Seriously. SERIOUSLY! xD [Through gritted teeth : Obviously, it's not like I can say the opposite. My guy friends would be coming after me with machetes in their hands and a bloodthirsty look in their eyes. Not exactly "love light shining". Lol.]

 

Eddie Chang : Romantic, emotional, sensitive, smart(!), knows how to treat a girl (no fear, any complaints, I'll set him straight), affectionate, wacky, humourous and would die for the one. Or the two, or the three, perhaps. You never know. xP

 

Preferences:

A girl like me. XD No, actually, I mean a girl (or guy, I don't think he minds. xD)who wouldn't mind having triplets named Alysson, Jonath and Zachary (he's a good planner, he's even planned their names) and five dogs (name yet to be decided), has a bit of a temper, and yes, you can get all that information off his friendster profile, so go go go!

 

He told me that on the spur of the moment after revising zygotes and fetuses for Biology one night. Scary lah you! Just in case you didn't know, fantasizing about SUCH things is the GIRL'S job, not YOURS as the GUY! I never lack any entertainment around him. Wahaha.

 

Dy, you are eternally indebted to me. Through my superior guy-vertising prowess and extra credible...credibility, you'll have no more worries about getting that perfect girl (again, or guy. xD) you've always dreamt about. What a good friend I am. I know, just when you thought I couldn't get anymore perasan, right? xP

 

Oh oh, before I end this, I just have to post up this poem that was inspired by you and Rach. Lol.

 

Way beyond

My comprehension

Flabbergasted

Beyond description

You stole my heart

Without my permission

Melted it down

To a critical condition

(Rach) Now I want it back...please?

(Eddie) You can keep it, no problem. xD

 

No, I'm not coming down with an acute case of tubercolo...How DO you spell that word anyway?! xP That word is totally illegal because I don't know how to spell it. u_u

 

I'm just dying slowly of embarrassment. It's excruciatingly embarrassing. It's embarrassing to the point that I would die of laughter myself if I were an outsider.

 

I think I just failed my PJK test. *laughing myself silly*

 

Cmon, join me and laugh. It's been a while since I've been so high. Eddie, laugh. Rach, laugh!

 

And then it comes to the point where I ask myself : May, what's wrong with you?

 

And the answer I gave Eddie the other day to a similarly posed question comes to mind.

 

 

I'm okay. I will be. I can feel it in my blood. xD

 

Ray loves me.

 

 

Later...

 

A few months back...

 

 

So it's fair. I'm my mum's least favourite, my dad's favourite. Not that it means much to me, but I used to think that I was nobody's favourite before this. Ray and Rene usually get all the attention in the family - One's handsome, dare-devilish, witty and DRIVEN, while the other's cute, soft-hearted and charming.

 

Me?  Pretty neglected, but I guess there was a reason they neglected me. Not to say "neglect", but you get the idea. You see, my grades were okay, my behaviour was that of a goody-two-shoes (some things never change =P) and it just wasn't in my nature to demand. I didn't even KNOW how to mush up to them the way Rene could. I felt guilty everytime I had to ask for something. I was the more independent one, so I can't blame them - they probably felt I didn't need them. I didn't like being needy myself, so go figure. Heh.

 

But now that I know I'm my dad's favourite...

 

I'm starting to whine more. =.= Which isn't a good thing. I'm starting to drag my syllables when I DAAAAAAD him. I have to change this before it develops into a full-fledged habit. I have to. I have to.

 

But I'm getting increasingly dependent. I can't help it, I feel like I'm coming undone. Falling to pieces. I have to be stronger than this. I will. I will. I'll keep telling myself it's wrong to depend until I believe it.

 

Which, in other words, means no more posts until I get out of my present unfit mental condition. Or else, this blog will become a negatively-charged site where electrostatic sparks LEAP out to assault innocent, positively-charged people.

 

Bye.