A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon my long-lost Chinese journal. As I flipped through the ONLY entry I wrote (I quit BC class before the homework could pile up, I'm ashamed to say. =P), I realized that I couldn't even remember a time my mandarin was that fluent. I felt a tiny pang of regret for the months of neglect of my ancestral tongue - I'd really have to put in a lot more effort to restore it to decency again. xD

 

Lately, though, I've been feeling more hopeful about the dire straits of my spoken Mandarin. See, on the first day of school, my new form teacher had a gala time switching our seats around. She put light-years between me and Amy, but I didn't hold anything against her due to my perception that she didn't know we were best friends anyway.

 

 

As I found out later, guess I was wrong. =.= I'm still getting used to the fact that total strangers know trivia about my life. Don't worry, I still don't hold anything against that form teacher of mine. *smiles sweetly*

 

ANYWAY. Back to the topic. So, she placed me in my new seat, which happens to be situated in a Chinese scholarly territory. Blessing in disguise, I guess. =)

 

Just to clarify my point, I'm sitting next to a (very pretty) Isabella who happens to be one of the top students in Chinese for our class. Seated directly behind me would be the equally,if not slightly more talented, witty and dramatic Chiong Kee - state champion for some Chinese short story competition. Both of them have a SUPERB command of spoken AND written Mandarin, putting me to shame with my less than presentable (relatively speaking) spoken Mandarin. So, we form an unspoken mutualistic bond to improve our aptitude in languages - I teach them English, and they hone/correct my spoken Mandarin.

 

To date, I've learnt two new Chinese terms, one for "antagonism", the other for "maternal instincts". I've also been reminded of the Chinese term for "fermented".

 

Now, you really don't have to start guessing about what I talk about during lessons. xP

The most appalling thing ever happened to me today.

 

*Aiyah, let me pause for dramatic effect mah. Don't be so impatient.*

 

So there I was, passing up my "tambah subjek SPM" form to the principal (I'm taking Bible Knowledge as an extra subject), and was I ever shocked at the words that came out of her mouth.

 

 

Of course, I didn't leave my jaw hanging wide open - that would have earned me a half hour lecture.

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't necessary to state that Bible Knowledge wasn't exactly as hard to understand as Physics, and that I haven't asked my dad for help so far. For goodness' sakes, who goes for Sejarah tuition?!

 

Lady, this is MY SPM. This is MY future you're talking about. This is MY effort, and you have NO RIGHT to tell me what subject I can or cannot take - within the 12 subjects limit, that is. Besides, you needn't worry about the "self-study" part. I've had plenty of practice doing that the entire year last year because our school isn't the most elite school you've ever come across. Mildly put.

 

I know for all your concern about the possibility of my results being tainted, there's the underlying issue of the school's face. You want someone to bring the school glory, right? Well, go focus your attention on someone else. The way things are currently going, I'm not going to get an A1 for Add Maths, neither do my BM prospects look too good. In fact, I have a better chance of scoring an A1 for BK than for BC, and if others are taking BC, why can't I take BK? Bye bye, hope of the school. Oh, please.

 

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. I would've thought that lecture would've been reserved for the weaker students who can't juggle their present subjects, let alone take up an extra one. Apparently, even good students shouldn't take a risk! Oh, so now it's come to this. Right, watch me. I'm going to do a little magic and make a few more Bs and Cs appear on my report card. Maybe when you see that I'm not that brilliant after all, you wouldn't care less and give me the green light to take Bible Knowledge.

 

On the other hand, you might also say that since I can't handle my present subjects, I won't be allowed to take an extra subject.

 

Either way, it doesn't look good for me.

 

Don't make me involve my dad in this - I dislike such confrontations. Our family is put in the spotlight more often than we're actually comfortable with already. Oh, and if you were wondering, my dad's a staunch believer in the fact that Christian students should sit for SPM Bible Knowledge, whether or not it affects their results. It's a good testimony. Besides, if I put in as much effort into my BK as I do for Add Maths or other supposedly MORE important subjects, there must be something wrong if I still can't get an A1 for it.

 

 

But, this is seriously absurd lah. Who STOPS students from taking extra subjects?

Whoever thought Moral class could be so interesting? =)

 

Today, our teacher made us write down our goals, family and financial planning, spouse criteria, so on and so forth. Everyone had lots of fun, and we went around checking each other's answers.

 

I kidded that I aspired to be the best housewife ever, and wanted to have nine children. No wait, I might as well have a football team, since 11 is only 2 children away from 9. XD XD XD

 

The key word here is "kidded". xP

 

But in all reality, as womenfolk, we girls might have to sacrifice our careers to meet our future family's needs. Say, if your husband works 9-5, who's gonna look after the children? Well, if you dare to entrust them to an Indonesian maid/nanny, by all means.

 

I, for one, wouldn't want my children growing up to emulate the maid. =P And seriously speaking, I'd really love to focus my attention on my family. (The rest are reserved for a private discussion if you're really interested. We will not be discussing my maternal instincts HERE. Too damaging to my reputation. Guys will not be privy to this conversation. XD)

 

So for all our idealistic planning, once you factor in the VIP factor of a family, that might all be a waste of planning energy. So, girls, if you're planning to be engineers, think twice. Your nine children might need you more. xP

 

Another interesting discovery was the discovery of a member of the male species in my class who didn't mind singlehood, for reasons I shall not disclose. xD THAT discussion ended with my not wanting to be his friend anymore, and declaring so to his face. Hmph.

 

No, he is not gay, and stop speculating. =P I did ask him if girls didn't interest him, and he replied by saying that guys didn't interest him either. PFFFFFT. LOL! Ah, well. [Note to reader : we were joking, and he is DEFINITELY straight.]

 

So very interesting. XD

There he was again. Walking past the foyer, alone as usual. The girl glanced casually at him, his apparent oddness grabbing her attention. He stood out from the crowd of students with his awkward gait - not to mention a reference book tucked under his arm. Everything about him screamed "misfit".

 

He'd always been like that.

 

Why do some people become loners? Why is it that some never find true friends? Do they choose to go against the flow? Why can't they fit in anywhere? Do they even need friends? The questions nagged at her ceaselessly. She wondered why she even cared.

 

He was from her class, yet she never tried to get closely acquainted with him. Nobody did, really. He was just...odd. She, on the other hand, was generally viewed as one high up on the social ladder. She felt a pang of understanding for him - she'd never really fit in as well. Popularity was nothing, contrary to what those who lacked it thought. She was a loner, too, just of a different sort.

 

Her curiosity got the better of her. Mustering up her courage, she approached him.

 

"Why don't you ever talk to anyone?" Abrupt to the point of rudeness, yet she couldn't think of any other way to start this conversation.

 

He was taken aback. Erm, are you talking to me? He blinked and realized that she was. He couldn't make sense out of her question - then again, it wasn't every day people approached him to chat, much less ask him questions.

 

"Um. Huh?" Relieved at the sound of his own voice, he regained his composure. He was flustered - he couldn't remember the last time he spoke to anyone within the week - besides his parents, of course.

 

"Why are you always alone?" She prodded him from a different angle this time.

 

"I...I don't know. Why?"

 

She paused and an awkward silence reigned. She didn't know what else to say. To her relief, he hesitantly smiled.

 

"I...not that...you..."

 

He cut himself off, knowing that his incoherency would further worsen the situation. Somehow, he never had a way with words around people, much less around girls. Why was she even talking to him, anyway? She wouldn't understand. Harhar, no way she could understand. She had everything going for her - a perfect life, perfect grades, perfect everything. He envied people like her with all his heart.

 

"Yes?" Her head was cocked to one side, a quizzical expression written all over her face.

 

He felt himself turning red, not knowing how to reply. Who put him under the spotlight? He fidgeted and wished that he could disappear - either him or HER.

 

"No one understands me." His already barely audible voice trailed off, and she had to strain her ears to catch the last part. By now, her bravado had worn off, and she was already thinking of ways to gracefully exit the conversation. His visible embarrassment stopped her in her tracks. Her empathy won out.

 

"Try me. I know what it feels like, trust me. Nobody really understands me too. Hard to believe, but..." She gave up in frustration. Experience told her that it would only earn her an incredulous look mixed with disbelief. She was tired of all that. So fed up. She braced herself for the inevitable.

 

Now he really wished he could disappear. The heavens must have really had something against him. First of all, a GIRL chose to talk to him today. Oh, excuse me, PROD into his private life, not just talk. THEN, just when he thought that things couldn't get worse, she had to go all emotional on him. Help. Help. Help!

 

"I'm sorry." He felt weird. Not as uncomfortable as he expected. And all of a sudden, the awkwardness he felt vanished. He found himself stretching out his hand. It was surreal, almost dream-like. He couldn't believe the words that came out of his mouth the next second.

 

"Let's be friends."

 

[Author's note : Fiction, seriously. This story came about when I was dwelling on the issue of how some people never seemed to fit in, and whether they wanted friends or not. Common sense tells us that everyone needs someone, but some people just don't ACT like that. Very puzzling. I know I will not be able to rescue everybody, but I still think I'm not making enough of an effort. *shrugs*]

So, it's the fourth week since school reopened, and I have resolved not to dwell on the horrors of school life for the sake of the sanity of my dear readers. Considerate hoh? (Cue for you to nod and say yes. xP)

 

The most interesting experience I've had so far (besides some R-rated English lessons, of course) would be attending my dad's physics class. People ask me what it's like, having my dad teach me in a formal, public setting. Frankly speaking, it's no big deal to me - my dad doesn't play favourites, and neither am I embarrassed to be his daughter. It's just another class with a (thankfully) professional teacher who has a superb sense of time management. I am NOT biased. It's only the end of January, and he's almost covered the whole of chapter 1 : Waves. So there. =P

 

TCK loves mimicking my dad's mannerisms and expressions, especially the way he "encourages" us to scram down to the laboratory. Apparently, my dad has some very obvious classroom quirks that are a healthy source of entertainment for my classmates. TCK also said that watching my dad was like watching ME, and that she half expected my dad's features to morph into mine at any given moment. Chip off the old block, much? Hahaha.

 

Today, dad decided to give my class a lecture on life. Yes, those lectures I've heard about a million times over in the entire 16 years and 8 months of my existence. =P If you're wondering how on earth do personal matters get tied into a PHYSICS lesson, we were on the topic of ultrasound and its uses. He started advising the girls to look for men who'd be kind to them, and how to see if a man was kind. A kind man would treat his sisters and mother gently, yadi yada. Oh, and how divorce is NOT an option...*snicker*

 

Excuse me, I need to clarify one point first. I'm not saying that ultrasound helps one to detect a kind man. Technology can only do SO much.

 

Anyway.

 

Needless to say, the whole class got rowdy. xD I think the guys are thinking of lodging a protest against my dad now.

 

Hahahahahahahahaha.

 

Passion

consumes,

overwhelms

me

Burn brighter!

Brighter!

Driven to excel

Glory!

The intensity

The fury

The epitome

of me.

 

Haunting,

the thought:

Have I traded

my soul?

Have I given

my all?

Have I? Have I?!

 

No, nooo!

All is sinking sand.

Darkness, sorrow, fear

surrounds me.

 

A broken will

Crushed hopes

Destructed dreams

Flood me over.

 

Disillusioned,

I cannot bear

To face the world

anymore.

I cannot bear

to love

to care

to wait

to dream

to see

the path ahead.

 

For even the brightest candle

burns out.

 

I. Am. Broken.

Amy : You're too extreme.

May : And you, have too many obligations.

Amy : But aarrgh, you're too extreme!

May : I get what I want in the end, right? I mean, I don't think it matters that much to them...*trailing off*

Amy : *glares*

May : Okay, okay. xD

 

***

 

Amy : You see, you're on the extreme side of things. I'm somewhere in the middle, so I can see both sides. But you're blocked by me, and you can't see the other side.

May (thinking to self) : But life's easier and more clear cut that way. =P

 

***

 

May : I know you must think I'm very cold-hearted. So..

Amy : ...true. =.=

May : ...

 

***

 

May : It's good to be able to say "no" sometimes.

Amy : I know, it's just that...*incoherent*

 

One intuitive, the other experience-oriented. One rationally judgmental and set, the other logical but flexible. One incoherent, the other coherent. One consistently stressed under a calm facade, the other consistently stable but visibly reactive. One never does her moral homework, the other cuts corners. One finishes all her homework, the other perfects every project. One a perfectionist in art, the other a perfectionist in everything else that matters. Both thinkers, laughers, best friends.

 

What's life without best friends? =)

 

A particular incident has been on my chest for quite some while, and I think it's time I let it out and learnt to let go. So I'll just blog about it here and forget about it forever. Yeah, like I can, with my memory like that. But I don't want to harbour anymore resentment.

 

It's true, how you see yourself, how others see you, and what you really ARE are three different things altogether.

 

Take, for instance, Monday morning in my class. I was on duty, so I asked Teck Ang if anyone'd swept the floor already (so I'd know where I was supposed to sweep). He looked at me and bluntly stated that nobody else except me would sweep the floor without being told to do so. Oh, well.

 

What a contrast from what my ex form teacher told me last year - that I didn't have much initiative when it came to my duties as the class monitor. Long story, I won't bother to justify myself. (The worst part is, I can still sense my resentment against that statement even after so long. Guess my fierce determination NOT to become the class monitor again very obviously radiated from my whole being, and perhaps that's why no one dared to nominate me for a second term this year. =P)

 

Personally, I think I have a certain deal of initiative - and that depends on the situation. The fact that I don't go for tuition and can sit down and study on my own is initiative enough to me. I used to be very caught up in co-curricular activities, and I discovered that that worked more to my disadvantage than my advantage, as I rarely found others who could match my level of commitment. In the end, I'd find myself in a one-man-show and totally burnt out, while others took things easy and there wasn't much of a difference, anyway.

 

And now, when I decide to be a little more easy-going, I'm branded as uninitiative. I feel so wronged. Like everyone's watching for me to slip up. Whatever happened to the rest of the 1800+ students in the school who've never held a post or anything? Why pick on me? Why when my intentions were only to help out because my class needed a class monitor urgently? Talk about buat baik dibalas buruk. The thing is, if I were forced into that position, and I really slacked my duties, I wouldn't have felt so strongly about my teacher's comment. Ask anyone in my class if I was a bad class monitor. The injustice of the whole system just appalls me.

 

Quoth Amy : Ngai ti.

 

There are times I think the whole world's against me, and I don't feel that that's too far wrong. Heh. Chill, May, let it go. *sigh*

No, I will not be in the magazine committee this year.

 

No, I will not succumb to obligations any longer.

 

No, I will not let myself care so much about something I shouldn't even care about.

 

No, I will not give myself an opportunity to lose my cool (at others).

 

No, I will not blow up in a photography session because I had to wait almost 2 hours.

 

No, I am NOT indispensable.

 

No, I do not - I will not care.

 

Ahm, teacher, could you not talk to me? I find it hard to say "no" still. =S Great, now I have to stick to my resolutions. =P

"Which of you are in Leopard House? Ah, good. You're all gonna run." (Cue for devilish grin)

 

Cause for panic. I started drafting a letter to my form teacher mentally.

 

 

 

 

Hah. Like THAT'll work.

 

Maybe a revision would be better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somehow, I'm still not convinced this will do the trick...so here's my last resort.

 

 

 

Yes, I lied. I lied about many things. I lied for many reasons. I lied, not only to you, but to myself and everyone else.

 

Do you want to know why I lied? I lied so that you wouldn't know, so that you wouldn't expect beyond what I could offer you. I lied so that you wouldn't feel the ache of heartbreak if ever things came to a point where they couldn't go on anymore. I lied - I thought I knew what was best for you. I lied to protect your heart.

 

I lied.

 

I lied too, so that when the time is ripe, I would be able to take you by surprise. So that I would have the wonderful view of your face lighted up like a Christmas tree, so that I could feel the ever so tangible joy radiating from your innermost being, so that I could witness the incredulous, ecstatic sparkle in your eyes. I lied for no reason other than to bring you the best and protect you from the worst. I lied because I love you.

 

I lied because seeing you sad crushes my heart, and I cannot bear the agony of losing your smile. I lied because seeing you happy means the sun, moon, stars - no, the UNIVERSE and beyond to me.

 

I lied. But was it wrong? Was I right in doing so? Does the ends justify the means?

 

I don't know.

 

***

 

[Note to readers out there : This will be my last piece of creative writing for some time. School's kicking into full gear, I have loads of homework, I'm handling hundreds and thousands of Malaysian ringgit every day in the co-op, and I'm wondering which will be the last straw to break the camel's back. =P Oh, and if you don't believe me, here's my list of homework for today :

 

1. Graphs for Chemistry

2. Maths pg 10, middle column. Checkpoint 8 - complete all. Pg 14 - #16, 17. Pg 15 - complete all.

3. Add Maths pg 11 - #14-19

 

Blah. I only have so many hours in a day, you know?]

"...so Bobby's going to be fine. She just has to keep an eye on him."

"Uhm."

 

I suppressed an exasperated sigh, trying to keep my tone nonchalant as I lowered the menu and looked at him. His face unreadable, he stared down at the menu. He'd been staring at the same spot - No. 21 Cappucino Latte - for a few minutes now. Almost as if he was observing some change in those letters. This had to be the nth time he replied me with an "uhm".

 

"Oh, and they also found an elephant in their fridge stealing their cheese and milk."

"So what about the ele-"

 

I'd slid into his couch before he realized what he'd said and started. He turned to face me like a dazed man who'd barely woken up from a dream.

 

"You're distracted."

 

I loosened his tie and sat back.

 

"Wanna talk about it?"

"It's nothing."

"Relax. Come on, something's bothering you."

 

I moved closer and angled myself into a position to massage his shoulders. He shrugged me off gently. I recoiled as though I'd been slapped. Something was really wrong. Something I didn't know about. Something he didn't want me to know about. I tried again in a calmer, steadier tone, swallowing my displeasure and keeping my hands to myself this time.

 

"Hey, I know something's wrong. You don't have to lie to me, you know? What's going on?"

"Never mind. Have you decided what you want? Maybe we should place our orders now."

 

I went back to my side of the couch, my imagination running wild with all sorts of unpleasant notions. I hated it when he did that. I hated the insecurity that came with being unsure; I hated knowing I wasn't privy to his thoughts. I hated feeling like I was being pushy. I hated feeling like I was losing touch...losing touch...losing touch...

 

No. No.

 

 

 

[Author's note : The above piece is both fictional and non-fictional. Guess you could call it inspired. xD]

Consider this parallel: The tigress and her trainer.

 

She walks in circles around him, prowling, purring, playfully attacking. Her muscles ripple underneath her glossy flank; there is enough in her to rip apart a man. She manipulates him without a sound - she knows that she is spell-binding, awe-inspiring, magnificent. Almost seductive. She orbits him, her eyes trained on his signals.

 

The trainer watches her in silence, ever alert and conscious - conscious that he is fascinated by this queen. He does not attempt to disguise the visible effect she has on him, but is surprisingly adept at dodging her blows. He rotates on his axis, his eyes never leaving hers. They are wonderfully attuned to each other, both predicting the other's moves and seemingly enjoying the game, if that's what you can call it. The air crackles with an understanding between beast and man.

 

For all her power, strength and agility, the trainer possesses the ability to subdue her. He is able to control her temperament, contain her wild energy when such measures are required. He may only be faintly aware of the immense influence he has over her, but he can see that her world revolves around him. Instinct drives them both to revere and respect the other.

 

For each has the other's heart.

I scanned the crowd hurriedly, eager to catch a glimpse of her. It had been so long. What would she look like now? Had she missed me as badl- Bah, fanciful thinking. Why didn't that vain hope ever diminish? Those years overseas hadn't cured me of my infatuation as I had hoped it would. She never was mine. She was his. Without any warning, a wave of disappointment flooded me over.

 

As I attempted to swallow the knot in my throat, she appeared. Her face aglow, she skipped towards me with a dazzling smile. Before she could detect any sign of my depression, I had plastered a grin onto my face and stuck out my hand in an awkward attempt to shake hers.

 

"Marshall! I was expecting something more - like a hug, perhaps?" She remarked uncertainly, grinning as usual while giving me a half-hearted handshake.

 

Chuckling uncomfortably, I obliged. Boy, she felt so good to the touch - she even smelt so good...

 

"Um, you don't want to let go, huh? Fine with me. I don't really feel like letting go just yet, either," She was teasing now, the soft edge in her voice barely perceptible. Or was that just my imagination playing up again? I snapped out of my reverie and broke off all contact by taking an abrupt step backward.

 

"Sorry. It feels good to be home. Glad to see you."

"You look as good as ever. Come, let's go meet the others."

 

We made small talk along the way. I tried to keep my tone upbeat and light to match hers - it wouldn't do for her to sense something was wrong, anyway.

 

Inside, I felt morose. I kept pace with her quickening step as she neared our circle of friends. And him. Trying not to watch - and failing ultimately - her slip her hand into his, I acknowledged the fanfare of "welcome back!"s and drowned myself in all the attention showered upon me. It was a welcome distraction. I avoided looking in her direction. Their direction.

 

They say the worst way to miss a person is to be close to them, yet know that you can't have them. The painful blow of this realization left a throbbing ache in my heart - an ache that only intensified now that I was back home. The worst part wasn't the resentment I felt against him, it was the fact that he was a decent guy, and that both of them looked so happy together. They almost glowed in each other's presence. Ignoring the cliche statement that the noblest way to love a person would be to let them go, I couldn't help but wish I was in his place, holding her hand. So I got to hold her for a few seconds, while what I really wanted was to hold her forever. How ironic. Maybe it would have been less painful if she hadn't hugged me.

 

"So, I'll see you guys later. Good to have you back, Marshall."

 

She blew me a flying kiss, fluttering her fingers goodbye as they turned to walk off.

 

I surreptitiously caught that kiss, hid it in my greying heart and watched her retreating figure.

"I tell you ah, you want to get straight A1s, you need at least 3 hours of revision per day. 3 hours, minimum. If you're a genius, 2 hours and a half lah. 2 hours and a half for every subject, and if you're taking an extra subject, even more loh. If you don't get straight A1s, you can't be a teacher oh, May May. I tell you, if you get 8 A1s, you should apply to be a primary school teacher. Don't even think of applying to be a secondary school one (you won't get it)." [Tone: patronizing]

 

"If you just cut down on your blogging time, you'd be able to get an A1 in Physics." [Tone: Guess what? PATRONIZING]

 

Great, just great. Even Ray is starting to put pressure on me already.

 

As if mum and dad aren't doing a good enough job of it. "The way you study is as if you're not even sitting for SPM." [Tone: Worried sick]

 

All these on the first day of 2008. Wonder if it's a good omen. =P